Observations on life

1. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was my blood alcohol content.

2. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing ection in a swimming pool?

3. I live in my own little world, but it's OK, they know me here.

4. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'GUESS' on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"

5. When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!

6. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast."

7. Sign In Oriental Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

8. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

9. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.

10. I have learned there is little difference in husbands, you might as well keep the first.

11. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.

12. Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages.

13. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.

14. After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

15. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

16. I married my wife for her looks. But not the ones she's been giving me lately!

17. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

18. Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom?

19. No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

20. I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: "CHECKOUT TIME IS 18."

21. How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?

22. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

23. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

24. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

25. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

26. I mixed Rogaine with Viagra. Now I've got hair like Don King.

27. I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.

28. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

29. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up. You don't know where it's been ."