Monday, 28 January 2008

Friday, 25 January 2008

Computers

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.

Wax

Waxing
Please don't forget - this is being told by a WOMAN, not me, ok??

This has to be one of the funniest and most God-awful scenarios I have ever heard of... Bless this woman!!!

All hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises of easy, painless removal. The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now.... The Wax!!

My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home; fix dinner; played with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours; "Maybe I should pull the wax out of the medicine cabinet?"

So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand and then they get warm and you peel them apart, press it to your leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right off! No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm no girly, girl, but I am mechanically inclined enough that I can figure it out. *YA THINK!!!*

So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other, stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax my rear end (Oh, how this phrase haunts me!). I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.

OK... So it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!!! Hair removal no longer eludes me!! I am She-Ra, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire!! With my next wax strip, I move "north". After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of the bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip). I inhale deeply and brace myself.... RRRRIIIIIIPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!

 I'm Blind!!!!! Blinded from pain!!!!!!... OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of the strip. S**T!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP... Everything is swirly and spotted. Do I hear crashing drums????? OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - A wax covered strip with my hairy pelt that has caused me so much pain, sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it! Where is the hair??

WHERE IS THE WAX? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair... The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. S**T!!! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake . . . . . . . Remember, my foot is still propped up on the toilet. I know I need to do something, so I put my foot down.

DAMN!!! I hear the slamming of the cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!!! I penguin walk around the bathroom, trying to figure out what to do and think to myself, "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off." Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??

*WRONG!!!!*

 I get in the tub - The water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse that having your nether businesses glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub. In scalding hot water!! Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub!!!

God bless the man what convinced me I should have a phone in the bathroom!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she's waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter, "So my butt and who-ha are stuck to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't have a secret trick, but does try to hide the laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located on bottom, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or what?" She's laughing out loud by now... I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!! Right!!!!!! I would be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water, and then dry shaving the sticky wax off!!! By now, the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I slip into glazed donut land.My friend is still talking with me as my hand reaches towards the saving grace... The lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point. I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids, scared the dickens out of my friend, but I really don't care!! "IT WORKS!! IT WORKS!!"

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice, to my grief and despair... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE... ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!! So, I shaved it off. Heck, I'm numb at this point. Next week I'm going to try hair color . . . . . .

Gentle thoughts for today

with thanks to Dawn [adlessor]

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
 
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
 
A penny saved is a government oversight.
 
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
 
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
 
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
 
He who hesitates is probably right.
 
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."
 
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
 
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
 
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
 
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
 
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."
 
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
 
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
 
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
 
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
 
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper.  It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
 
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.  Today, it's called golf.
 
Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth...AMEN..!!

Sunday, 20 January 2008

Gynaecologist's assitant

A young man goes into the Job Center in Inverness, Scotland, and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested he goes to learn more -

"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the guy behind the desk. The Job Center man sorts through his files and replies:

- "Oh yes here it is: The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their genital regions. You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to London.
That's about 600 miles from here."

"Oh why? Is that where the job is at?"
"No sir - that's where the end of the line is!"

Friday, 4 January 2008

More blonde jokes

BLONDE LOGIC      
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the  moon?'  The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'  

CAR TROUBLE    
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, 'What's the story?' He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor' She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'  

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'  

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?' The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You  ARE on the other side.'   

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE      
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. 'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'  The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?      'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'      'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'   

KNITTING      
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!      Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'     'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'   

BLONDE ON THE SUN     
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'     The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'      The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'     The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.  'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.     To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'  

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the  dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'  

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!       
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, wh o had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.      Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'     'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'