Combating nerves

A new priest was so nervous at his first mass that he could barely speak. Afterwards, he asked the bishop how he had done. The bishop replied:
"When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday, he took the bishop's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office, he found this note on the door:

Sip the vodka, don't gulp

There are 10 commandments, not 12

There are 12 disciples, not 10

Jesus was consecrated, not constipated

Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass

We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook

David slew Goliath, he did not knock the shit out of him

When David was hit by a rock, and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass

We do not refer to the Cross as the "Big T"

When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said: "Take this and eat it, for it is my body". He did not say "Eat me".

The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry"

The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-a-Dub-Dub thanks for the Grub, Yeah God"

Next Sunday there will be a Taffy pulling contest at St Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St Taffy's.