Sunday, 23 December 2007

Good housekeeping - 1955

I'm going to cause a huge ruckus with this entry. I do want to make it clear that I do not agree with the recommendations in this piece, which I copied from the Housekeeping Monthly of 13 May 1955. Read it? Nineteen fifty-five.

1 Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

2 Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

3 Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

4 Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.

5 Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper etc and then run a dustcloth over the tables.

6 Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

7 Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and if necessary change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimise all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer and vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.

8 Be happy to see him.

9 Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

10 Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, this topics of conversation are more important than yours.

11 Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late, goes out to dinner or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.

12 Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquillity where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

13 Don't greet him with complaints and problems.

14 Don't complain if he's home late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.

15 Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

16 Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing, and pleasant voice.

17 Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

18 A good wife always knows her place.

Blonde's Cookbook


It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So, I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.

A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly, but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.



Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.

I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Tom did the shopping today and broughthome a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. For some reason, Tom keeps counting to ten.

Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly, I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much
to my disappointment.

Well, good night, dear diary. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come, so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can  talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with chocolate moose.

For Lexophiles

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

 4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in
France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14. Local Area Network in
Australia : The LAN down under.
15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
16. A calendar's days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
24. If you jump off a
Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced

The Ten Commandments

God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you  that will make your lives better."
The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shall not kill."
"Not kill? We' re not interested."

God went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honor thy Father and Mother."
"Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested."

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said "Thou shall not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."

Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shall not commit adultery."
"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments?" they said, "How much are they?"
"They're free."
"We'll take 10."

There, that ought to offend just about everybody.

Saturday, 22 December 2007

Windows 98

Microsoft have announced that all support will be withdrawn from its aging operating system Windows 98. As from 11 July 2007, no further updates, patches etcetera will be provided, leaving users vulnerable to hacking attempts etcetera. Everybody that is still on Windows 98 and its siblings Windows 98SE and ME is advised to upgrade to Windows XP.

Oh dear, I'm sorry, I really couldn't resist these.

Error message

I found this absolutely hilarious error message generator on the Net. The monkey business you can do with that...


Sunday, 16 December 2007

Two nuns

There were two nuns... One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical . Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM : And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, I'll pray foryou!

Embarrassing moments

In her memoirs, Barbara Bush described one of those most embarrassing moments that inevitably occur, even on the most carefully advanced of foreign trips. Along with her husband, then the Vice President, Mrs. Bush was lunching with Emperor Hirohito at Tokyo's Imperial Palace.

Sitting next to the Emperor, Mrs. Bush found the conversation an uphill task. To all her efforts at verbal engagement, the Emperor would smile and say "Yes" or "No," with an occasional "Thank You" tossed in for good measure.

Looking around her elegant surroundings, she complimented Hirohito on his official residence.

"Thank you," he said.

"Is it new?" pressed Mrs. Bush.


"Was the old palace just so old that it was falling down?" asked Mrs. Bush.

In his most charming, yet regal, matter, Hirohito replied, "No, I'm afraid that you bombed it."

Friday, 14 December 2007

Church bulletins

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water" The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus"

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off --let the Church help.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter weremarried on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The Lutheran men's group will meet at
6 pm. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at
5:00 pm.--prayer and medication to follow.

Job descriptions

Would you know what you'd have to do if you applied for these jobs? No? Click behind the hyphen after the description and drag the mouse to the next hyphen to reveal the answer.

Vision clearance engineer - window cleaner                -
Education centre nourishment production assistant - dinnerlady -
Waste removal engineer - binman                               -
Domestic engineer - housewife                                   -
Knowledge navigator - teacher                                   -
Flueologist - chimney sweep                                       -
Stock replenishment adviser - shelf stacker                 -
Head of verbal communications - secretary / receptionist -
Petroleum transfer engineer - petrol station assistant    -
Foot health gain facilitator - chiropodist                      -
Coin facilitation engineer - toll booth collector             -
Cash relation officer - banker                                     -
Environment improvement technician - cleaner            -
Revenue protection officer - ticket inspector               -
Technical horticultural maintenance officer - gardener  -
Wastewater treatment officer - sewage worker           -
Crockery cleansing operative - washer-up                  -
Space consultant - estate agent                                   -
Media distribution officer - paperboy                          -
Dispatch services facilitator - postroom worker          -

Truisms for pun

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. 
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.  
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. 
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.  
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.  
We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply. 
When the smog lifts in
Los Angeles, U C L A.
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it. 
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground 
The dead batteries were given out free of charge. 
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail. 
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)  
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your count that votes.  
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.  
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed. 
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. 
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered. 
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in
France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart. 
You are stuck with your debt, if you can't budge it.  
He broke into song because he couldn't find the key. 
A calendar's days are numbered. 
A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
A boiled egg is hard to beat. 
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery. 
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. 
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.  
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. 
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. 
Acupuncture: a jab well done. 

What to do to telemarketers

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. (This works great if you are male) Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. If the Telemarketer is selling raffle tickets, tell him or her that you work for the same company, and that employees cannot participate.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "OH MY GOD!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask if he/she will give you their home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" and proceed to hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. For added effect, clanging of cutlery and dishes is recommended.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on,
Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder!

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

They walk among us

I was at the checkout of a Kmart.  The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I  gave it back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her the money back. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing and returned the money again. I gave her the money back again... same senario!  I departed the store with the $46.64.   

I walked into a Mickey D 's with a buy-one-get- one-free coupon For a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little Chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already buy-one- get-one-free" , she said, "so I guess they're both free" She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.    

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one Of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the Sky and said, "Where?"    

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with that stuff."

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a Seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a Trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?"

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

Life in the Hebrides

Dogger, Fisher, German Bight
Once again the weather's s****
Howling wind, cold rain and hail
Calmac's boats will never sail

Lundy, Fastnet, Irish Sea
Looks about Force Ten to me
The bin's away; blown down the croft
It's ragged contents swirl aloft

Rockall, Malin, Hebrides
I'm fed up with days like these
It's still dark at half past ten
When will we see the sun again?

Fair Isle, Faroes, South East Iceland
Sorry kids, the veg is still canned
I'm cooking tea by naked flame
Oh Lord, don't send us more the same

More gems of wisdom

If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the Poor could make a wonderful living. ~~~ Yiddish Proverb


The wise man, even when he holds his tongue, says more than the fool when he speaks. ~~~ Yiddish Proverb


Ask about your neighbors, then buy the house.  ~~~   Yiddish proverb


What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth. ~~~    Yiddish proverb


A hero is someone who can keep his mouth shut when he is right.  ~~~  Yiddish Proverb


One old friend is better than two new ones.  ~~~  Yiddish Proverb


One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world. ~~~ Jewish Proverb


Old friends, like old wines, don't lose their flavor.  ~~~ Jewish Proverb

A wise man hears one word and understands two.  ~~~ Yiddish Proverb


"Don't be so humble - you are not that great." ~~~ Golda Meir (1898-1978) to a visiting diplomat


Pessimism is a luxury that a Jew can never allow himself. ~~~ Golda Meir


Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving ~~~ Albert Einstein


When his wife asked him to change clothes to meet the German Ambassador:   "If they want to see me, here I am. If they want to see my clothes, open my closet and show them my suits."  ~~~ Albert Einstein


Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.  ~~~ Albert Einstein


The hardest thing in the world to understand is income tax. ~~~ Albert Einstein


You can't control the wind, but you can adjust your sails. ~~~ Yiddish proverb


I don't want to become immortal through my work. I want to become immortal through not dying. ~~~ Woody Allen


I'm not afraid of dying ~~~ I just don't want to be there when it happens! ~~~ Woody Allen


Imagination is more important than knowledge.   (Sign hanging in Einstein's office at Princeton)


Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts. ~~~ Albert Einstein


We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them. ~~~ Albert Einstein


Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school. ~~~ Albert Einstein


Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe. ~~~ Albert Einstein

Observations on life (II)


Love  is grand !  Divorce  is a hundred grand.


I  am in shape.

Round is a shape.


Time  may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.


Conscience  is what hurts when everything else feels good.


Talk  is cheap because supply exceeds demand.


Even  if you are on the right track,

You'll get run over if you just sit there.


An  optimist thinks this is the best possible world.

A pessimist fears this is  true.


There  will always be death and taxes;

However, death doesn't get worse every  year.


In  just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.


I  am a nutritional  overachiever.


I  plan on living forever. So far, so good.


Practice  safe eating -- always use condiments.


A  day without sunshine is like night.


It's  frustrating when you know all the answers,

But nobody bothers to ask you  the questions.


The  real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time,  but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment


Brain  cells come and brain cells go,

But fat cells live  forever.


Age  doesn't always bring wisdom.

Sometimes it comes alone.


Life  not only begins at forty,

It also begins to show.


I  smile because I am your friend!

I  laugh because there is nothing you can do about it.

Observations on life

1. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was my blood alcohol content.

2. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing ection in a swimming pool?

3. I live in my own little world, but it's OK, they know me here.

4. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'GUESS' on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"

5. When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!

6. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast."

7. Sign In Oriental Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

8. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

9. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.

10. I have learned there is little difference in husbands, you might as well keep the first.

11. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.

12. Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages.

13. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.

14. After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

15. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

16. I married my wife for her looks. But not the ones she's been giving me lately!

17. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

18. Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom?

19. No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

20. I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: "CHECKOUT TIME IS 18."

21. How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss

22. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

23. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

24. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

25. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

26. I mixed Rogaine with Viagra. Now I've got hair like Don King.

27. I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.

28. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

29. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up. You don't know where it's been ."

Thursday, 13 December 2007


Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the
stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

Cars vs Computers

Bill Gates, speaking at the COMDEX computer expo in 2006, reportedly compared the computer industry with the car industry and said: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25,000 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release, stating:

If GM had developed technology just like Microsoft has, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reasons whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car

3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason, you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run only on five percent of the roads

6. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a simple warning light: "This Car has performed an illegal operation".

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna

9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again, because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car

10. You'd have to press Start to turn the engine off.

Marital exchange

SUBJECT:  Update!
  Dear Wife....I'm sending you this email to bring up to date on the events of our family.  I tried to talk to you while you were on your computer, but you just kept telling me that you would BRB.....whatever that means.  So, I decided to send you this email. John Jr. cut his first tooth today.  He's the one you bounce on your knee while typing.  Remember how he giggles when he hears the Ut Oh sound?   Sorry about him dropping his peanut butter sandwich on your keyboard.  Is it working okay since I cleaned it up for you? Can you read the letters I tried to paint back on your keyboard? Most of them had been rubbed off. Susie had her first date Saturday night.  She had a good time and said to thank you for letting them use your car.  She put the keys back on the key rack underneath the cobwebs where she found them.  Do you realize that she wears the same size clothes as you do?  In case you've forgotten her, she's the one who has you raise your feet when she's running the sweeper. Tim is playing football.  He looks forward to going to school now that he has a sport to play.  He wanted to know if you would come to one of his games if we bought you a laptop to bring along?  Do you remember him?  He's the one who empties your porta potty for you. Lets see.....since the last time I wrote you (3 months ago), the refrigerator had to be replaced, the dog died from old age,  your mother and dad painted the room where your computer is (hope you like the color), the church has a new pastor, the President has been impeached, and oh yes..... I have a new job. Well, I think that's about it.  I'll email you again in about 3 months.  You take care of yourself honey.  We all "miss" you very much and will see you the next time the power goes off! Love,
Your Husband

SUBJECT:  Monthly Report
  Dear Hubby, Honey, we need to talk!  "DON'T" click another URL until you've read this.......please. Since you're always busy, I'm using the computer at the library to send you this email.  It's been months since you've spent anytime with the family.  Actually, we are all getting a little worried about you.  Your legs won't straighten out and your eyes are blood red now.  I really think you should stop sleeping in that chair even though we did have it made into a recliner with a keyboard tray and extra padding. Remember when I wanted your attention and put too much Viagra in your coffee.......well.... surprise.... we're having twins.  Have you recovered from that exhausting few days yet?   I haven't .....and will "NEVER" do that again no matter how lonely I get! Oh yes.....the doctor said the catheter has to come out hun.  You can't leave it in there any longer.  You'll have to stop and go to the bathroom or start using your urinal again.  Sorry!   And.......the leak wasn't the waterbed.....we don't have a waterbed! The kids are all fine.  I loaded their school pictures on your web site so you can see how much they have grown.  Click on the button that says "Surprise, we've grown up".  Jack said he'd trim your beard for you next week.  Susie felt so bad when she upset your lunch on the keyboard.  Bless her heart, she's like your mother....she's a few fries short of a complete Happy Meal but she tries.  I hope everything is working okay now. Oh yes, you don't need to worry about the mouse I wanted you to kill.  I got him with one of your golf clubs.  The club is a little bent now.....hope that doesn't hurt it.  It's kind of like a kinked slinky. I'll write again once the twins are born.  Ed, our insurance salesman, is taking me and the kids on a trip so take care.  We'll be back in a couple of weeks.  Remember not to put both contact lenses in the same eye! Love,
Your Wife


A tourbus driver is taking a load of seniors on a tour when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which her gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about 5 more times. When she is about to hand him another batch, he asks the little old lady: why don't you eat the peanuts yourselves?
"We can't chew them, because we've got no teeth", she replies.
The puzzled driver asks "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied; "We just love the chocolate around them."

Twisted proverbs

A 4th grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest. Here is what they came up with:

Better to be safe than punch a 5th grader

Strike while the bug is close.

It's always darkest before daylight savings time

Never underestimate the power of termites.

You can lead a horse to water but how?

Don't bite the hand that looks dirty.

No news is impossible.

A miss is as good as a Mr.

You can't teach an old dog math.

If you lie down with dogs, you will stink in the morning.

The pen is mightier than the pigs

Where there is smoke, there's pollution.

A penny saved is not much.

Two is company, three's The Musketeers.

None are so blind as Helen Keller.

If at first you don't succeed get new batteries.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and you have to blow your nose


Read aloud this as quickly as possible - but not within earshot of sensitive ears. It is full of spoonerisms. Any mistakes are YOUR responsibility

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.

At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks

The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny

Wisdom of a sort

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone [don't necessarily agree with that myself LOL].

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

13. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

14. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and, it holds the universe together.

15. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

16. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

17. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

18. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.


When you rearrange the letters:

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When you rearrange the letters:

The bloom of our nation

The following questions and answers were collected from last year's GCSE exam results in Swindon, Wiltshire. They are genuine responses (from 16 year olds)!       

Q: Name the four seasons.       
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.        

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.       
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.       

Q: How is dew formed?       
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.       

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?       
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and Nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.           


Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?       
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.       

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?       
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.       

Q: What are steroids?       
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?       
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.       

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?       
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.       

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.       
A: Premature death.        

Q: What is artificial insemination?       
A: When the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.       

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?       
A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]       

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g. abdomen)      
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.       

Q: What is the Fibula?       
A: A small lie.       

Q: What does "varicose" mean?       
A: Nearby.       

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?       
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."       
A: The caesarean section is a district in

Q: What is a seizure?       
A: A Roman emperor.       

Q: What is a terminal illness?       
A: When you are sick at the airport       

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?       
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.     

Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.       
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.       

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?       
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.       

Q: What is a turbine?       
A: Something an Arab or Sheik wears on head

Wednesday, 12 December 2007

Hang on

Convicted of murder and sentenced to death the shapely young lady asked, as a last request, that she be hanged in the nude. Although the warden thought this unusual, he felt a last request was not something to be denied.

When the condemned prisoner arrived at the gallows, the hangman gasped, My God, you have the most beautiful body I've ever seen.

Came the whispered reply, And it's all yours if you keep your trap shut!

Last year on the computer


I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that  Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob  me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are  actually Al Qaeda  in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to
Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer have any trainers --but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my arse.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up £5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex  molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I'm reluctant to open my email box for fear that person in
Africa is still looking for me to give me the inheritance from my non-existant dead relatives in Africa.

Oh, and I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at
5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

PS-   A South American scientist from
Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!

A bit risqué

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl:

"Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, you dickhead?"

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would sh*g you twice!"



AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

Police in
Oakland CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up!"

Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

A man walked into a Topeka KS Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

Police in
Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the  man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart." "Is this her first child?"  the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

Modesto CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun.
Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (Hellooooooo!)

Last summer down on
Lake Isabella, located in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield CA, some folks new to boating were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell  them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and
the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place ... was the trailer!


I dialed a number and got the following recording:  
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
"I am not available right now, but  
Thank you for caring enough to call.  
I am making some changes in my life.   
Please leave a message after the   Beep. 
If I do not return your call,  
You are one of the changes."  
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
Blessed are those who can give without remembering
And take without forgetting.  
The irony of life is that, by the time  
You're old enough to know your way  
Around, you're not going anywhere. 
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think
Of an answer for her first question.  
I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one. 
Every morning is the dawn  
Of a new error.

From the mouths of babes...

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right? "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then,"she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said," What'd he do?"

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?"
"You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning. "

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he gooooes."

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother . "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"