Tuesday, 23 December 2008

Mum's Prayer to Santa

Dear Santa,

I've been a good mum all year. I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor,sold sixty-two cases of choc bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground.

I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, a nd who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes:

I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (in any colour, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the breeze; but are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the lolly aisle in the grocery store.

I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.

If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like fingerprint resistant wi ndows, a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.

On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, "Yes, Mummy" to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don't fight and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.

I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother," because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog.

If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.

If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season.

Would it be too much trouble to declare tomato sauce a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family.

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back.

Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the door and come in and dry off so you don't catch cold.

Help yourself to cookies on the table but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.

Yours Always, MUM...!

P.S. One more thing...you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children happy, healthy and always believing.

*Santa has asked that this gets passed on to all the mummies you know.

Sunday, 14 December 2008

Intentional puns

With thanks to Sybil

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,
but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whisky maker,
but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because
it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder
and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope,
it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road
and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in
Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race.
They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow .
Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.
The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was,
a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was
a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now
a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary,
they got a taste of religion.

Sunday, 23 November 2008

Real 9-1-1 calls

With thanks to Nancy
BELIEVE it or not ,
These are Nashville, TN's REAL 911 Calls!

Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I' m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: N o
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

Saturday, 26 July 2008


Complaint Letter of the Year. The British do have a way with words....
A real-life customer complaint letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept....)

Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of godawful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.

British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

Sunday, 23 March 2008


with thanks to Dawn [adlessor] for this and the previous funny.

The Minister and the Funeral
 As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside
 service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to
 be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the
 first to be laid to rest there.
 As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a
 typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late.
 I saw the backhoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was
 nowhere in sight.I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped
 to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place.
 I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the
 proper thing to do.
 The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart
 and soul. As I preached the workers began to say "Amen", "Praise the Lord",
 and "Glory!" I preached and preached, like I'd never preached before: from
 Genesis all the way to Revelations.  I closed the lengthy service with a
 prayer and walked to my car.
 As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the
 workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before
 and I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years."
 Author Unknown

Saturday, 22 March 2008

Fly peeing

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and once in a while a $20 bill flies out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her.
'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.
'Damn!' says the little old lady .'I'd better go back and see if I can find some of them. Thanks for the warning!'
'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?
'Oh, no,' says the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I yell:"$20 or off it comes!''
'Hey, not a bad idea!' laughs the cop. 'Good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?''Well,' says the little old lady, 'not all of them pay.'

Wednesday, 19 March 2008


Guy goes on a fishing trip. While loading up his boat he sees another fisherman walk up the bank with a stringer of fish. After much pleading as to the secret of his success the angler told him he was a doctor. His specialty left a nice supply of infected tonsils which seemed to work well for fish bait. Soon another man appeared with a stringer of bigger fish. The poor guy has to know and soon finds out it is another doctor who specializes in appendectomies leaving a supply of bait. Just as the guy is ready to leave he spots another angler with a bigger stringer of huge fish. When he asked the man what kind of doctor he was he replied "Doctor? I'm no doctor I'm a Rabbi"..

Monday, 10 March 2008


For those with plenty experience of being 21 ;-)

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,

Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,

Bundles of magazines tied up in string,

These are a few of my favorite things.


Cadillacs and cataracts, and hearing aids and glasses,

Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,

Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,

These are a few of my favorite things.


When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,

When the knees go bad,

I simply remember my favorite things and then I don't feel so bad.


Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,

No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,

Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,

These are a few of my favorite things.


Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin’,

Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin'

and we won't mention our short, shrunken frames,    

When we remember our favorite things.


When the joints ache, When the hips break,

When the eyes grow dim,

Then I remember the great life I've had and then I don't feel so bad.

Friday, 7 March 2008

Call centre


The image shows a Highland Games event, called tossing the caber. You try to lift and throw a long piece of timber as far as you can.

The world's largest Christmas tree has been recycled.
It was turned into the world's largest caber.
It was sent to President Bush, the world's biggest tosser.

Saturday, 1 March 2008

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, รข€˜How Do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.'

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
Teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to Empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the
Bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
Want a bed near the window?'


Thursday, 21 February 2008

Out of the mouths of babes... (continued)

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible le for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.


The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.


Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human ,it was physically impossible.


The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".


The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"


The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".



A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.


As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.


The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."


The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."


Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."




A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.


After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"


Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."


One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.


She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked,

"Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"


Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."


The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"




The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.


"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'


A small voice at the back of the room rang out,

"And there's the teacher, she's dead."




A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run in to it, and I would turn red in the face."


"Yes," the class said.


"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"


A little fellow shouted,

"Cause your feet ain't empty."




The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:


"Take only ONE . God is watching."


Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.


A child had written a note,

"Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Saturday, 16 February 2008

Drugs for women



Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.


Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!


Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.


Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.


When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.


Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.


Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. "


Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.


Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.


A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.


When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.

Thursday, 14 February 2008


There are two seabirds which look alike.

The cormorant

and the shag

How can you tell them apart? Well, the shag has feathers on his head like a crown and is smaller.

The other thing is, would you take someone out for a meal and a film, then to take them home for a good cormorant?

Sunday, 10 February 2008




Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

 Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?


Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?



How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?



Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?



If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


Why are you IN a movie, but you're  ON TV?



Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?



Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.



Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?



Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?



If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?



Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in  the  carpool lane?



If the professor on Gilligan's Island  can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?



Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!



If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?



If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?



If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?



Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?



Why did you just try singing the two songs above?



Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?



Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Losing a friend

Saturday, 9 February 2008

UK reposesses the USA

Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.
A Message from John Cleese
To: The citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas which she does not fancy). Our new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You willbe amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' withoutskipping half the letters and the suffix -ize will be replaced by thesuffix -ise.Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptablelevels. (Look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noisessuch as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient formof communication.There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know onyour behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to takeaccount of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. Youwill relearn your original national anthem, God Save the Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough tosort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. Holden Monaros are also approved.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have beencalling gasoline)-roughly $11/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut,fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings anda Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch ofnancies).Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, likethey regularly thrash us.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable tohost an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of allmonies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, nevermugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries inseason.

God Save the Queen.
Only He can.

Friday, 8 February 2008

Hate your job?

When you have a 'I Hate My Job' day.....

Try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized. '

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,
"I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson."


Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said,
"Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The fairy godmother replied,
"It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
"I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
"You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said,
"Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments,

Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

"Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off"


How true it is!
In the middle of the table is a round food tray
 with five kinds of fruits on it.
They are:

           a. Apple
           b. Banana
           c. Strawberry
           d. Peach
           e. Orange

Which fruit will you choose? Please think VERY carefully and don't
rush into it. This is great, I was astounded! Your choice reveals a
lot about you!

Test results: Please SCROLL DOW N

If you have chosen:

  a. Apple:           That means you are a person who likes to eat apples
b. Banana:       That means you are a person who likes to eat bananas
c. Strawberry: That means you are a person who likes to eat strawberries
d. Peach:          That means you are a person who likes to eat peaches
e. Orange:        That means you are a person who likes to eat oranges

I hope you find fulfillment in this new insight about yourself. May it bring you peace and understanding, tranquility and all that other profound stuff.

Also, I'll bet that right now you would like to find me
and wring my neck.  :-)

Well, You won't find me
! ....because I am still hunting down the
person who sent this to me.............

Waste someone's time...forward to a friend! At least smile, you know you want to laugh.

Thursday, 7 February 2008


I am aware of Jeannette's shared joke journal "Make 'em laugh!", which I enjoy immensely.

Just to make plain that I do NOT copy stuff out of there - all the jokes in here were sent to me personally in various email relays.

I may copy some of the jokes in this journal into Jeannette's journal.

The bloom of our nation

The following questions and answers were collected from last year's GCSE
exam results in
, Wiltshire. They are genuine responses (from 16 year


        Q: Name the four seasons.
        A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

        Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to

        A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
         pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

        Q: How is dew formed?
        A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

        Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?

        A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water
        tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and
        Nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.


        Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
        A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

        Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
        A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
        A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.



        Q: What happens to your body as you age?
        A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
        A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

        Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
        A: Premature death.
        Q: What is artificial insemination?

        A: When the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

        Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
        A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g.
       A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax
       the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the
       heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I,
       O and U.

        Q: What is the Fibula?

        A: A small lie.

        Q: What does "varicose" mean?
        A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
        A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

        Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
        A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome

        Q: What is a seizure?
        A: A Roman emperor.

        Q: What is a terminal illness?
        A: When you are sick at the airport

        Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
        A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like



        Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its

        A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
        A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.


        Q: What is a turbine?
        A: Something an Arab or Sheik wears on head