Saturday, 26 September 2009

Trompe d'oeil

Or in plain English: did I read that right?

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over  
      What a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!

uvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant  
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile  
  Ya think?!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
     Who would have thought!

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain;
Police Suspect Homicide    
They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
     You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
Man Struck By Lightning:
Faces Battery Charge  
    He probably IS the battery charge!

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger
Test Group  
Weren't they fat enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
---------------- ---------------------------------  
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
      Do they taste like chicken?

  Local  High School Dropouts Cut in Half  
      Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
      Boy, are they tall!
And the winner is...
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Wednesday, 27 May 2009

Friday, 1 May 2009

Great invention

Perfect when you go on holiday. Do away with the cumbersome, space hogging variety. Instead use the new, foldaway, inflatable variety. Tucks into the smallest of corners of your suitcase, and once at your destination, or in your hotel room in transit, blow it up and get going. What? One of these.

Image courtesy Metro Toronto Area Dart League

Friday, 10 April 2009

Stress at work

  1. Okay, okay! I take it back, unf**k you
  2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing
  3. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up
  4. Well, aren't we a darn ray of sunshine?
  5. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after
  6. Do I look like a people person?
  7. This isn't an office. This is hell with fluorescent lighting
  8. I started out with nothing, and still have most of it left
  9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap.
  10. Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control
  11. I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years
  12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer
  13. Do they ever shut up on your planet
  14. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable
  15. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realise you haven't gone to sleep yet.
  16. Back off! You're standing in my aura.
  17. Don't worry. I forgot your name too.
  18. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.
  19. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
  20. Wait... I'm trying to imagine you with a personality
  21. Chaos, panic and disorder... my work here is done
  22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
  23. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
  24. Earth is full. Go home
  25. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
  26. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert
  27. You are depriving some village of an idiot
  28. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport
  29. Look in my eyes - do you see one ounce of give a sh*t?

Osama bin Liner


From: Bin Laden, Osama
To: All Al-Qa'eda fighters
Subject: The Cave
Do not distribute outside organisation

Hi guys. We've been all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that! However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few concerns.

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation (a health and safety issue), so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning rota - have you? I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halal toaster).

Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the s**t out of most of the world's population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background, or keep doing the "Wassup" thing. Thanks.

Third, food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently, clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairylea slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

Fourth: I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the Infidel's bat and ball games. Please do not chant "Ossy, ossy, ossy" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.

Fifth: Graffitti. Whoever wrote "OSAMA F***S DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall. It's a lie. The donkey backed into me whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.

Six: The use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse that the chicken backed into me whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain will not be accepted in future (with donkey's there is a grey area)

Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.

Love you lots, Group Hug. Os.

PS: I'm sick of having "Osama's Bed Linen" scribbled on my laundry bag.
Cut it out, it's not funny anymore.

The demon drink

A new priest was so nervous at his first mass, he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the bishop how he had done. The bishop replied: "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So, he took the bishop's advice. The next Sunday, he got nervous at the beginning of the sermon and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door.

  1. Sip the vodka, do not gulp
  2. There are 10 commandments, not 12
  3. There are 12 disciples, not 10
  4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated
  5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass
  6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
  7. The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook
  8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him
  9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass
  10. We do not refer to the Cross as the Big T
  11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said "take this and eat it for it is my body". He did not say "eat me".
  12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry"
  13. The recommended grace for before a meal is not: "Rub-a-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah, God"
  14. Next Sunday, there will be a taffy pulling contest at St Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St Taffy's.

Wednesday, 8 April 2009

Keep a healthy level of insanity

  1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
  2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
  3. Everytime someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that
  4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it IN
  5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everybody has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to expresso
  6. In the memo field of all your checks write “For Sexual Favours”
  7. Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the prophecy”
  8. Don’t use any punctuation
  9. Skip rather than walk as often as possible
  10. As people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer
  11. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go”
  12. Sing along at the opera
  13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme
  14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day
  15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood
  16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name: Rock Hard
  17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream “I won! I won! Third times this week!!”
  18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the carpark, yelling: “Run for your lives, they’re loose!!”
  19. Tell your children over dinner: “Due to the economy, we’re going to have to let one of you go”