The bloom of our nation

The following questions and answers were collected from last year's GCSE exam results in Swindon, Wiltshire. They are genuine responses (from 16 year olds)!       

Geography       
Q: Name the four seasons.       
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.        

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.       
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.       

Q: How is dew formed?       
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.       

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?       
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and Nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.           

Sociology        

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?       
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.       

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?       
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.       

Q: What are steroids?       
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology          
Q: What happens to your body as you age?       
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.       

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?       
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.       

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.       
A: Premature death.        

Q: What is artificial insemination?       
A: When the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.       

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?       
A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]       

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g. abdomen)      
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.       

Q: What is the Fibula?       
A: A small lie.       

Q: What does "varicose" mean?       
A: Nearby.       

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?       
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."       
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.       

Q: What is a seizure?       
A: A Roman emperor.       

Q: What is a terminal illness?       
A: When you are sick at the airport       

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?       
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.     

English       
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.       
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.       

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?       
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.       

Technology        
Q: What is a turbine?       
A: Something an Arab or Sheik wears on head