Ark - 2007

In 2007, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Tewkesbury, England and said,   "Once again, the Earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.  Build another Ark and save two of every living thing, along with a few good humans." He gave the CAD drawings, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark before I start the unending rain of forty days and forty nights."

Six months later, the Lord returned unto Noah and found him weeping in his yard, but of the Ark, there was no sign. "Noah!" the Lord roared," I am about to start the rain, Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed.  I needed Building Regulations approval because the Ark was to be over 30metres. I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade who insist that it is fitted with a sprinkler system and fireproof doors and my neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission prior to building the Ark in my garden because it is a development of the site - even though in my view it is a temporary structure, but the roof is too high.  I had to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.

The Local Area Access Group complained that my ramp was going to be too steep and the inside of the Ark was not fully accessible to the disabled and that there were not disabled toilets or the gangways were too narrow for wheelchairs. Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond to be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. - I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they wouldn't listen to me.

Getting the wood was another problem.. All of the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders upon them and we live in an area of Special Scientific Interest, set up in order to preserve the spotted owl that lives around here.  I tried to convince theenvironmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but again, they wouldn't listen. When I started to gather the animals, the RSPCA threatened me with prosecution.  They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.  They argued that the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. The gay rights activists threatened to hold a demo in my garden as they learned that I was planning on only taking on a female and male of each species - they said that was homophobic and was against the Civil Liberties Act.

Then the County Council, The Environment Agency and The Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they had conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities        Commission on how many ethnic minorities I'm supposed to hire for the building team.

The Trade Unions say that I cannot use my sons as they insist that I have to hire only CSCS accredited workers with Ark-building experience. To make matters worse, Customs & Excise have seized all of my assets, claiming that I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So forgive me, my Lord, but it would take me at least another ten years to finish this Ark." Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.  Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you are not about to destroy the world, Lord?" "No, Noah" said the Lord, "The Government has already beaten me to it."