The demon drink

A new priest was so nervous at his first mass, he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the bishop how he had done. The bishop replied: "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So, he took the bishop's advice. The next Sunday, he got nervous at the beginning of the sermon and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door.

1. Sip the vodka, do not gulp
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
   
7. The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass
10. We do not refer to the Cross as the Big T
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said "take this and eat it for it is my body". He did not say "eat me".
    
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry"
13. The recommended grace for before a meal is not: "Rub-a-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah, God"
14. Next Sunday, there will be a taffy pulling contest at St Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St Taffy's.