Wednesday, 8 April 2009

Managing the Bank Manager

Dear Bank Manager,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting it and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it.  I refer of course to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.

You are to be commending for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account 50 pound by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2009, taking as my model the procedures, attributes and conduct of your very bank.

To this end, please be advised about the following changes.

I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, ever changing, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your branch whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which (s)he must quote in dealings with me. I regret it cannot be any shorter than 28 digits, but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which, you will notice, is very much like yours.

Press buttons as follows:

  1. To make an appointment to see me
  2. To query a missing payment
  3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I’m there
  4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I’m asleep
  5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I’m attending to nature
  6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I’m not at home
  7. To leave a message on my computer – a password to access my computer is requried. Password will be communicated at a later date to the authorised contact
  8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 9
  9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will be played for the duration of the call to entertain the listener.

On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Authorised contact will now be billed at £5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured chequer, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75p per minute. You are well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.

1 comment:

garnett109 said...

I like that system!