Aircraft maintenance

This is an old stand-by, but still hilariously funny. It is about the gripesheet that airline pilots with Qantas have to fill out. Their entry is registered under P, and the mechanic seeing to the aircraft enters his resolution to the problem under S. Oh, Qantas is apparently the only airline that has never had an accident.

P: left inside main tire almost needs replacement
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield
S: Live bugs on back-order

P: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on the ground

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
S: Evidence removed

P: DME volume unbelievably loud
S: DME volume set to more believable level

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
S: That's what they are there for

P: IFF inoperative
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

P: Suspected crack in windshield
S: Suspect you're right

P: Engine no 3 missing
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P: Aircraft handles funny
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious

P: Target radar hums
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics

P: Mouse in cockpit
S: Cat installed

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer
S: Took hammer away from midget