Complaints

to British local authorities about their housing stock.

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing on it
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore
3. It's the dogs' mess that I find hard to swallow
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker, as it has backfired and burnt my knob off
5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage
6. And their 18-year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence
7. I wish to report that my tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was the bad wind the other night that blew them off
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday, and now she is pregnant
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy
13. I am still having problem with smoke in my new drawers
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared
15. Will you please send a man to looki at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink
16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces
17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me
18. The man nextdoor has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous
19. Our kitchenfloor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it
20. I am a single women living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night
21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife
22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times, but I still have no satisfaction
23. This is to let you know that the lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2