Stress at work

1. Okay, okay! I take it back, unf**k you
2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing
3. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up
4. Well, aren't we a darn ray of sunshine?
5. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after
6. Do I look like a people person?
7. This isn't an office. This is hell with fluorescent lighting
8. I started out with nothing, and still have most of it left
9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap.
10. Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control
11. I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years
12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer
13. Do they ever shut up on your planet
14. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable
15. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realise you haven't gone to sleep yet.
16. Back off! You're standing in my aura.
17. Don't worry. I forgot your name too.
18. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.
19. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
20. Wait... I'm trying to imagine you with a personality
21. Chaos, panic and disorder... my work here is done
22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
23. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
24. Earth is full. Go home
25. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
26. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert
27. You are depriving some village of an idiot
28. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport
29. Look in my eyes - do you see one ounce of give a sh*t?
    

Osama bin Liner

INTERNAL MEMO

From: Bin Laden, Osama
To: All Al-Qa'eda fighters
Subject: The Cave
Do not distribute outside organisation

Hi guys. We've been all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that! However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few concerns.

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation (a health and safety issue), so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning rota - have you? I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halal toaster).

Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the s**t out of most of the world's population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background, or keep doing the "Wassup" thing. Thanks.

Third, food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently, clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairylea slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

Fourth: I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the Infidel's bat and ball games. Please do not chant "Ossy, ossy, ossy" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.

Fifth: Graffitti. Whoever wrote "OSAMA F***S DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall. It's a lie. The donkey backed into me whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.

Six: The use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse that the chicken backed into me whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain will not be accepted in future (with donkey's there is a grey area)

Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.

Love you lots, Group Hug. Os.

PS: I'm sick of having "Osama's Bed Linen" scribbled on my laundry bag.
Cut it out, it's not funny anymore.

The demon drink

A new priest was so nervous at his first mass, he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the bishop how he had done. The bishop replied: "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So, he took the bishop's advice. The next Sunday, he got nervous at the beginning of the sermon and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door.

1. Sip the vodka, do not gulp
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
   
7. The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass
10. We do not refer to the Cross as the Big T
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said "take this and eat it for it is my body". He did not say "eat me".
    
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry"
13. The recommended grace for before a meal is not: "Rub-a-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah, God"
14. Next Sunday, there will be a taffy pulling contest at St Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St Taffy's.
    

Keep a healthy level of insanity

1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
3. Everytime someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it IN
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everybody has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to expresso
6. In the memo field of all your checks write “For Sexual Favours”
7. Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the prophecy”
8. Don’t use any punctuation
9. Skip rather than walk as often as possible
10. As people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer
11. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go”
12. Sing along at the opera
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood
16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name: Rock Hard
17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream “I won! I won! Third times this week!!”
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the carpark, yelling: “Run for your lives, they’re loose!!”
19. Tell your children over dinner: “Due to the economy, we’re going to have to let one of you go”

Spoonerisms galore

Ronny Barker, may he rest in peace, was able to rattle off the below without a snigger on BBC TV in the 1970s. No complaint was ever received – speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms (and not wetting your pants) as you read:

The story of Rindercella and the sugly isters

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they  were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dib bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly, the clock struck twelve. “Mist all chucking frighty!!!” said Rindercella, and she ran out, tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella’s door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lift her leg and let off a fig bart. “Who’s fust jarted??” asked the prandsome hince. “Blame that fugly ucker over there!!” said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks were ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The prandsome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.

Managing the Bank Manager

Dear Bank Manager,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting it and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it.  I refer of course to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.

You are to be commending for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account 50 pound by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2009, taking as my model the procedures, attributes and conduct of your very bank.

To this end, please be advised about the following changes.

I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, ever changing, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your branch whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which (s)he must quote in dealings with me. I regret it cannot be any shorter than 28 digits, but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which, you will notice, is very much like yours.

Press buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me
2. To query a missing payment
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I’m there
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I’m asleep
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I’m attending to nature
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I’m not at home
7. To leave a message on my computer – a password to access my computer is requried. Password will be communicated at a later date to the authorised contact
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 9
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will be played for the duration of the call to entertain the listener.

On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Authorised contact will now be billed at £5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured chequer, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75p per minute. You are well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.

Email replies

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
2. I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.
3. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all
4. Sorry to have missed you, but I am at the doctors' having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management
5. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
6. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words, and $1.99 for each additional word in your message
7. "The email server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again" (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over)
8. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queueing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
9. Please reply to this email so I will know that you got this message. I am on holiday. Your email has been deleted.
   
10. Hi. I'm thinking about what you just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
    
11. Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.
12. I've run away to join a different circus
13. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please address me as Loretta, rather than Steve
    

Questions on pregnancy

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough

Q: I'm 2 months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he leaves college

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth

Q: My wife is 5 months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is that right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current

Q: When is the best time to have an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?
A: Not unless the word alimony means anything to you

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes. Pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife being to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Aircraft maintenance

This is an old stand-by, but still hilariously funny. It is about the gripesheet that airline pilots with Qantas have to fill out. Their entry is registered under P, and the mechanic seeing to the aircraft enters his resolution to the problem under S. Oh, Qantas is apparently the only airline that has never had an accident.

P: left inside main tire almost needs replacement
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield
S: Live bugs on back-order

P: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on the ground

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
S: Evidence removed

P: DME volume unbelievably loud
S: DME volume set to more believable level

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
S: That's what they are there for

P: IFF inoperative
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

P: Suspected crack in windshield
S: Suspect you're right

P: Engine no 3 missing
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P: Aircraft handles funny
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious

P: Target radar hums
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics

P: Mouse in cockpit
S: Cat installed

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer
S: Took hammer away from midget

Internet

The Internet has taught us some bad habits. Someone decided to show us the following dozen rules to follow.

1. I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper, like I used to, before the Internet
2. I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork, and not with one hand typing
3. I will get dressed before noon
4. I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes and plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet
5. I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived
6. I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet
7. I will read a book, if I somehow remember how
8. I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet
9. I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email
10. I will try to get out of the house at least once a week - necessary or not
11. I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Internet
12. Last but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime. The Internet will always be there tomorrow!
    

Signs

On a septic tank truck
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

Sign over a gynaecologist's office
Dr Jones, at your cervix

On a plumber's truck
Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber

On a Pizza shop
7 days without pizza makes one weak

At a tireshop
Invite us to your next blowout

On a plastic surgeon's office door
Hello. Can we pick your nose?

At a towing company
We don't charge an arm and a leg, we want tows

On an electrician's truck
Let us remove your shorts

In a non-smoking area
If we see you smoke, we will assume you are on fire, and will take appropriate action

On a maternity room door
Push. Push. Push.

At an optometrist's office
If you don't see what you are looking for, you have come to the right place

On a taxidermist's window
We really know our stuff

In a podiatrist's office
Time wounds all heels

On a fence
Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.

At a car dealership
The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment

Outside a muffler shop
No appointment necessary. We hear you coming

In a vet's waiting room
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

At the electric company
We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be

In a restaurant window
Don't stand there being hungry. Come on in and get fed up

In the front yard of a funeral home
Drive carefully. We'll wait.

At a propane filling station
Thank heaven for little grills

At a radiator shop
Best place in town to take a leak

Bumper stickers

1. If you can't feed em, don't breed em!
2. Constipated people don't give a crap
3. If you can read this, I've lost my trailer
4. Horn broken - watch for finger
5. The earth is full - go home
6. I have the body of a God - Buddha
7. So many pedestrians, so little time
8. Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult
9. If we quit voting, will they all go away
10. Eat right, exercise, die anyway
11. Illiterate? Write for help
12. Honk if anything falls off
13. Cover me, I'm changing lanes
14. He who hesitates not only is lost - but is miles from the next exit
15. I refuse to have a battle of wits - with an unarmed person
16. I do whatever my rice krispies tell me to
17. Fight crime - shoot back!
18. (seen upside-down on a jeep): If you can read this, please flip me back over...
19. Stoplights time for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph
20. Guys: no shirt, no service. Gals: no shirt, no charge
21. Ax me about ebonics
22. Body by Nautilus, brain by Mattel
23. Boldly going nowhere
24. Caution: driver legally blonde
25. Heart attacks: God's revenge for eating his animal freinds
26. How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
27. All men are animals; some just make better pets
28. Politicians and diapers both need to be changed, and both for the same reason
    

Religious education

These are the actual answers to questions in a RE exam. All spelling and grammar errors are authentic.

1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off
2. Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built the Ark and the animals came on in pears.
3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night
4. The jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals
5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah
6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles
7. Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients
8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.
9. The First Commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple
10. The Seventh Commandments is thou shalt not admit adultery
11. Moses died before he even reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.
12. The greatest miricle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him
13. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines
14. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta
15. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
    
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manger
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption
18. St John the Blacksmith dumped water on his head
19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone
20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance
21. The epistles were the wives of the apostles
22. One of the oppossums was St Matthew who was also a taximan.
23. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels
24. St Paul cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marraige.
    

Complaints

to British local authorities about their housing stock.

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing on it
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore
3. It's the dogs' mess that I find hard to swallow
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker, as it has backfired and burnt my knob off
5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage
6. And their 18-year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence
7. I wish to report that my tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was the bad wind the other night that blew them off
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday, and now she is pregnant
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy
13. I am still having problem with smoke in my new drawers
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared
15. Will you please send a man to looki at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink
16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces
17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me
18. The man nextdoor has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous
19. Our kitchenfloor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it
20. I am a single women living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night
21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife
22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times, but I still have no satisfaction
23. This is to let you know that the lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2
    

Out of the mouth of babes...

Six year olds were asked to complete the first part of well-known proverbs. The results were astonishing to say the least.

1. Don't change horses --- until they stop running
2. Strike while the --- bug is close
3. It's always darkest before --- daylight savings time
4. Never underestimate the power of --- termites
5. You can lead a horse to water but --- how?
6. Don't bite the hand that --- looks dirty
7. No news is --- impossible
8. A miss is as good as a --- Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new --- math
10. If you lie down with dogs you'll --- stink in the morning
11. Love all, trust --- me
12. Then pen is mightier than the --- pigs
13. An idle mind is --- the best way to relax
14. Where there's smoke, there's --- pollution
15. Happy the bride who --- gets all the presents
16. A penny saved is --- not much
17. Two's company, three's --- the Musketeers
18. Don't put off until tomorrow what --- you put on to go to bed
19. Laugh and whole world laughs with you, cry and --- you have to blow your nose
20. There are none so blind as --- Stevie Wonder
21. Children should be seen and not --- spanked or grounded
22. If at first you don't succeed --- get new batteries
23. You get out of something only what you --- see in the picture on the box
24. When the blind lead the blind --- get out of the way
25. Better late than --- pregnant