Saturday, 9 February 2008

UK reposesses the USA

Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.
A Message from John Cleese
To: The citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas which she does not fancy). Our new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You willbe amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' withoutskipping half the letters and the suffix -ize will be replaced by thesuffix -ise.Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptablelevels. (Look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noisessuch as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient formof communication.There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know onyour behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to takeaccount of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. Youwill relearn your original national anthem, God Save the Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough tosort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. Holden Monaros are also approved.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have beencalling gasoline)-roughly $11/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut,fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings anda Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch ofnancies).Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, likethey regularly thrash us.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable tohost an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of allmonies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, nevermugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries inseason.

God Save the Queen.
Only He can.

7 comments:

fasttrack58 said...

If a certain person wins the presidential election this coming term, I told hubby that I will be moving in with the Queen...
Linda :)

garnett109 said...

Stick it Up Your Arse Or Bum Or what ever you call your ass.
the only thing you need to teach us is how to drink a yard lol!
Lmao, have a great weekend

helmswondermom said...

I love this!
John Cleese is a riot!
Lori

attitudeslc said...

Oh this was SPECIAL!!  Yeah!  Thunderous applause!

~Rosemary

flawson87 said...

OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm with you, Linda (fasttrack58), I have already told my daughter, if a certain person wins the presedential race, we're moving to Europe!!!  LOL

Frances in Texas

wwfbison said...

ROFLMAO, the opening paragraph is the kicker!!!!!  Depending who wins the election we may be begging for this!
Lisa

gehi6 said...

I enjoyed re-reading this British directive.  Wouldn't that be something if this were a real one?  Even we cringe when we see our fellow Americans attempting British accents.  I was so incensed with Robert Redford daring to play that wonderful English fellow in Out of Africa.  Totally unbelievable. I think they had to makek him an American but left how he got there rather vague since no Americans ever did what he did in the movie.  It ruined the movie for me. But then we would have to do something about Vivien Leigh playing Scarlett O'Hara.  David Selznick could not go down south and find a real southern Belle?  Vivien Leigh was not fit to play Blanche either.  She was never fit to play anything but characters like Lady Hamilton.  But the academy waqs so impressed with an English aristocrat playing below her class they gave her two Oscars.  We need to take them away from her.  Gerry