Out of the mouths of babes... (continued)

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible le for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

 

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

 

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human ,it was physically impossible.

 

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

 

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

 

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

 

 

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

 

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

 

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

 

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

 

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

 

 

 

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

 

After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

 

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

 

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

 

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked,

"Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

 

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

 

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

 

 

 

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

 

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

 

A small voice at the back of the room rang out,

"And there's the teacher, she's dead."

 

 

 

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run in to it, and I would turn red in the face."

 

"Yes," the class said.

 

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

 

A little fellow shouted,

"Cause your feet ain't empty."

 

 

 

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

 

"Take only ONE . God is watching."

 

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

 

A child had written a note,

"Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Drugs for women

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.


EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!


ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.


PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.


DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.


FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.


MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. "


BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.


JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.


ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.


NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.

aoljpictureUpload, aoljpictureUpload_1

Ornithology

There are two seabirds which look alike.

The cormorant

and the shag


How can you tell them apart? Well, the shag has feathers on his head like a crown and is smaller.

The other thing is, would you take someone out for a meal and a film, then to take them home for a good cormorant?

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Ponderisms

Ponderisms

 

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

 Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

 

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

 

 

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

 

 

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

 

 

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

 

Why are you IN a movie, but you're  ON TV?

 

 

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

 

 

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

 

 

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

 

 

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

 

 

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

 

 

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in  the  carpool lane?

 

 

If the professor on Gilligan's Island  can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

 

 

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

 

 

If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

 

 

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

 

 

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

 

 

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

 

 

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

 

 

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

 

 

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Losing a friend

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UK reposesses the USA

Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.
A Message from John Cleese
To: The citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas which she does not fancy). Our new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You willbe amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' withoutskipping half the letters and the suffix -ize will be replaced by thesuffix -ise.Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptablelevels. (Look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noisessuch as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient formof communication.There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know onyour behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to takeaccount of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. Youwill relearn your original national anthem, God Save the Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough tosort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. Holden Monaros are also approved.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have beencalling gasoline)-roughly $11/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut,fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings anda Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch ofnancies).Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, likethey regularly thrash us.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable tohost an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of allmonies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, nevermugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries inseason.

God Save the Queen.
Only He can.

Hate your job?

When you have a 'I Hate My Job' day.....

Try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.



Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized. '

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,
"I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson."

Cinderella

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said,
"Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The fairy godmother replied,
"It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
"I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."


At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
"You have one more wish; what shall it be?"


Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.


The fairy godmother said,
"Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments,

Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

"Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off"

Fruit

How true it is!
 
In the middle of the table is a round food tray

 with five kinds of fruits on it.

They are:

           a. Apple
           b. Banana
           c. Strawberry
           d. Peach
           e. Orange

Which fruit will you choose? Please think VERY carefully and don't
rush into it. This is great, I was astounded! Your choice reveals a
lot about you!

Test results: Please SCROLL DOW N
             



 
 
 
               
 
 
 
 
 
               
             
             
             
If you have chosen:

  a. Apple:           That means you are a person who likes to eat apples
b. Banana:       That means you are a person who likes to eat bananas
c. Strawberry: That means you are a person who likes to eat strawberries
d. Peach:          That means you are a person who likes to eat peaches
e. Orange:        That means you are a person who likes to eat oranges

I hope you find fulfillment in this new insight about yourself. May it bring you peace and understanding, tranquility and all that other profound stuff.

Also, I'll bet that right now you would like to find me

and wring my neck.  :-)

Well, You won't find me ! ....because I am still hunting down the

person who sent this to me.............

Waste someone's time...forward to a friend! At least smile, you know you want to laugh.

Note

I am aware of Jeannette's shared joke journal "Make 'em laugh!", which I enjoy immensely.

Just to make plain that I do NOT copy stuff out of there - all the jokes in here were sent to me personally in various email relays.

I may copy some of the jokes in this journal into Jeannette's journal.

The bloom of our nation

The following questions and answers were collected from last year's GCSE
exam results in Swindon, Wiltshire. They are genuine responses (from 16 year
olds)!

        Geography

        Q: Name the four seasons.
        A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

        Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to
             drink.
        A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
         pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

        Q: How is dew formed?
        A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

        Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
        A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water
        tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and
        Nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

            Sociology

        Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
        A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

        Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
        A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

        Q: What are steroids?
        A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology

 

        Q: What happens to your body as you age?
        A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

        Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
        A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

        Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
        A: Premature death.
 
        Q: What is artificial insemination?
        A: When the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

        Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
        A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]

        Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g.
            abdomen)
       A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax
       the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the
       heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I,
       O and U.

        Q: What is the Fibula?
        A: A small lie.

        Q: What does "varicose" mean?
        A: Nearby.

        Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
        A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

        Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
        A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

        Q: What is a seizure?
        A: A Roman emperor.

        Q: What is a terminal illness?
        A: When you are sick at the airport

        Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
        A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like

         umbrellas.

        English

        Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its

        meaning.
        A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

        Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
        A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

        Technology

        Q: What is a turbine?
        A: Something an Arab or Sheik wears on head

Two tiny tits

A very flat chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size.

She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAA-AAA-AAA bra?"

The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so Twiggy left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner.

After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart. Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?"

The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"

Think and thingy

As an inspirational measure, a boss placed a sign in the restroom directly above the sink. It had a single word on it, "THINK!"

The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at his sign, and right next to it, above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign, which read, "THOAP!"

====================================================

A woman comes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist, "Can you tell me about Viagra?"

The druggist says, "What would you like to know?"

"What does it do?" she asks.

"Well, when I take it, it enhances my libido and prolongs my erection."

The woman says, "Can you get it over the counter?"

"Yes," says the druggist, "but I'll have to take another pill."

Golfing Nuns

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. "What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ." "I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?" "Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!" "Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!" "No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!" "Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother. "But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile. "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... "You missed the fu**ing putt, didn't you?"

Call centre

Actual call centre conversations !!!!!

Customer:     "I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator:     "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer:     "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator:     "Sir, they are our opening hours".
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Samsung Electronics
Caller:          "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator:     "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller:          "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC  wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator:      "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller:          "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?"
Operator:      " Doesn't the product name give you a clue?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
"If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller:               "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator:          "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller:               "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator:        "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller:             "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man makingheavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support:      "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer:             "OK".
Tech Support:      "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer:             "No".
Tech Support:      "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer:             "No".
Tech Support:      "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".
Customer:            "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support:          "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer:                 "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller:  "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator:         "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller:              "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator:         "What sort of trouble??"
Caller:              "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator:         "Went away?"
Caller:              "They disappeared."
Operator:         "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller:              "Nothing."
Operator:         "Nothing??"
Caller:              "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator:         "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller:              "How do I tell?"
Operator:         "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller:              "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator:         "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller:              "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator:         "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller:              "What's a monitor?"
Operator:         "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller:               "I don't know."
Operator:          "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller:              "Yes, I think so."
Operator:         "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller:              "Yes, it is."
Operator:         "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller:               "No."
Operator:          "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller:               "Okay, here it is."
Operator:          "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller:               "I can't reach."
Operator:          "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller:               "No."
Operator:          "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller:               "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator:          "Dark??"
Caller:               "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
" Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller:               "I can't."
Operator:          "No? Why not??"
Caller:               "Because there's a power failure."
Operator:  "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller:               "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator:           "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like itwas when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller:                "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator:            "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller:                 "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator:            "Tell them you're too f---ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!"