Saturday, 24 November 2007

Spellchecker

I don't use a spell checker. Why? Read on...


Eye have a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight for it to say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew!

New words for 2006

New Words/Phrases for 2006
apologies for some of the language, it is funny though

TESTICULATING. Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

BLAMESTORMING. Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS. The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY. The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream, only to get screwed and die.

CUBE FARM. An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING (or MEERKATTING). When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see that's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion or birthday because there may be cake.)

SITCOMs Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into, when they have children and one of them stops working, to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

SINBAD. Single working girls. Single Income, No Boyfriend And Desperate.

STRESS PUPPY. A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE. The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device, to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE. The rarified organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were
designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.

404. Someone who's clueless. From the WWW error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

OHNOSECOND. That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all' or 'delete
all')

GOING FOR A McSHIT. Entering a fast-food restaurant with no intention of buying food, i.e. you're just going to the bog. If challenged by the obligatory pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their foodafterwards is known as a 'McShit with Lies'.

AEROPLANE BLONDE. One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

AUSSIE KISS. Similar to a French Kiss, but given down-under.

BEER COAT. The invisible but warm coat, worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3am.

BEER COMPASS. The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

GREYHOUND. A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

MILLENNIUM DOMES. The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually f**k all in there worth seeing.

MONKEY BATH. A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go :
"Oo!Oo!Oo!Aa!Aa!Aa!".

MYSTERY BUS. The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night, while you're in the toilet after your 10th.pint, and whisks away all the
unattractive people, so the pub is suddenly packed with 'stunners' when
you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI. The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the 'stunner' you slept with, and leaves a '10-pinter' in your bed instead.

PICASSO BUM. A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got four buttocks.

SALAD DODGER. An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

SWAMP DONKEY A deeply unattractive person.

TART FUEL. Bottled, pre-mixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

Zen sarcasm

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his or her shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

For Lexophiles

FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS):

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

16. A calendar's days are numbered.

17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced

On a plane

Two voices; male and female; seated on a plane

"I think everyone's asleep; lets go"

Sound of steps.

"This one's empty ... no one's looking ... you go in first"

"It a bit cramped - let me sit down"

"Have you got the condom?

"Quick, put it on"

Sniff sniff

"Ah perfume - you think of everything"

"This is great....." (long sigh)

Static on the loud speaker then a new voice.

"This is the captain speaking to those two people in the rear toilet.
We know what you're doing and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector!"

Blonde's Cookbook

Monday:

It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Tuesday:
Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So, I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.

Wednesday:
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly, but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any. Thursday:
Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.

Friday:
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Saturday:
Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. For some reason, Tom keeps counting to ten.

Sunday:
Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly, I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment. Well, good night, dear diary. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come, so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with chocolate moose.

AAADD

Now I have an excuse! I'm so glad there is a name for what I have! LOL

I just wanted to let you know that I recently was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I realize the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on he kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

the driveway is flooded
the car isn't washed,
the bills aren't paid,
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
there is still only one check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who I have sent it to.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

Don't die in Parliament

it could get you in trouble with the law. Some more stupid laws from the UK (thanks to BBC):

  • 1. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament
  • 2. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British king or queen's image upside-down
  • 3. It is illegal for a woman to be topless in Liverpool except as a clerk in a tropical fish store
  • 4. Eating mince pies on Christmas Day is banned (5%)
  • 5. If someone knocks on your door in Scotland and requires the use of your toilet, you are required to let them enter
  • 6. In the UK a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman's helmet
  • 7. The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the King, and the tail of the Queen
  • 8. It is illegal not to tell the tax man anything you do not want him to know, but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing
  • 9. It is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament wearing a suit of armour
  • 10. It is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls of York, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow
  • Other bizarre foreign laws

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  • In Ohio, it is illegal to get a fish drunk
  • In Indonesia, the penalty for masturbation is decapitation
  • A male doctor in Bahrain can only examine the genitals of a woman in the reflection of a mirror
  • In Switzerland, a man may not relieve himself standing up after 10pm
  • It is illegal to be blindfolded while driving a vehicle in Alabama
  • In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on a Sunday could be jailed
  • Women in Vermont must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth
  • In Milan, it is a legal requirement to smile at all times, except during funerals or hospital visits
  • In France, it is illegal to name a pig Napoleon
  • Shower practice

    HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN :

    Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
    Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
    Get in the shower.
    Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
    Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
    Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
    Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
    Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
    Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
    Rinse conditioner off hair.
    Shave armpits and legs.
    Turn off shower.
    Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
    Spray mold spots with Tilex.
    Get out of shower.
    Dry with towel the size of a small country.
    Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
    Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
    If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

    HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
    Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
    Walk naked to the bathroom.
    If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound.
    Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
    Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
    Get in the shower.
    Wash your face.
    Wash your armpits.
    Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
    Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
    Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
    Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
    Wash your hair.
    Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
    Pee.
    Rinse off and get out of shower.
    Partially dry off.
    Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
    Admire wiener size in mirror again.
    Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
    Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
    If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
    Throw wet towel on bed.


    If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something SO very wrong with you. Have a great day! Oh, and....woo hoo!!!

    Bad day?

    I rear-ended a car this morning. I tell you, I knew right then and there that it was going to be a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and wouldn't you know it! He was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!" So I said, "OK, then, which one ARE you?" The day just deteriorated after that.

    Women Drivers League


    10    9    8    7    6    5    4    3  2 She's wearing her helmet the wrong way round 1

    Temperature warning

    40 degrees- Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Scotland sunbathe.

    35 degrees- Italian cars won't start. People in Scotland drive with the windows down.

    20 degrees- Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats. People in Scotland throw on a T-shirt.

    15 degrees- Californians begin to evacuate the state. People in Scotland go swimming.

    Zero degrees- New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Scotland have the last bbq before it gets cold.

    20 degrees below zero- Californians fly away to Mexico. People in Scotland think about a light jacket.

    80 degrees below zero- Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic Scottish Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.

    100 degrees below zero- Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. People in Scotland throw on their Big jumpers.

    173 degrees below zero- Ethyl alcohol freezes.. People in Scotland get frustrated when they can't thaw their kegs.

    460 degrees below zero- ALL atomic motion stops. People in Scotland start saying "chilly, you cald an aw?"

    500 degrees below zero- Hell freezes over. Scottish people think about supporting England in World Cup!!!!

    Real story

    A man had had one too much to drink and managed to drive his van off the A830 road between Mallaig and Fort William, in the West Highlands. The driver knocked on the door of the nearest house, a B&B. When the proprietor opened the door, the van driver said: "Listen, can you give me a lift? I've had too much to drink, and I've crashed my van. Please don't tell the bobbies, OK?" The man at the B&B said he couldn't take him in his car until he had dressed properly, so he asked the driver to wait. The proprietor went upstairs and changed into his full police uniform. He then proceeded to charge the driver, put handcuffs on him and placed him in the back of his police car, which had been hidden in the darkness beside the house. After a while, police from Fort William, 40 miles away, came and took the drunk away. The van meanwhile had been reported by motorists as blocking the A830 with lights blazing and keys still in the ignition. The hapless drunk was fined £500 and banned from driving for 18 months.

    Chocolate eclair

    Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight.

    She was from Quality Street , he was a Fisherman's Friend.

    On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum.
    He asked her name, 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said.

    'I'm the one with the nuts,' he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way.

    They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.

    It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Miss Rowntree shaked her Tic Tacs for him.

    Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.

    When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie.

    She wanted more, but he needed a Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!

    Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.

    Sadly, 3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts!!!

    Nelson Mandela

    Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

    When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,

    "You Sign! You sign!"

    Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.


    Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,


    "You Sign! You sign!"


    Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.


    The next day he hears a knock at the door again.


    When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.


    He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,


    "You sign! You sign!"


    Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:


    "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.


    The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.


    On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,


    "You sign! You sign!"


    Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.


    This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him:


    "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"


    The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:



    (It's a beauty)


    (Wait for it)



    (Get your best Chinese accent ready)






    "You not Nissan Main Deala?"

    Father O'Malley

    Father O'Malley rose from his bed.
    It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

    The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
    "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

    Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

    There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.

    Heaven and hell

    Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

    Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT!! I have had enough! I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."

    So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

    They moused.

    They faxed.

    They e-mailed.

    They e-mailed with attachments.

    They downloaded.

    They did spreadsheets!

    They wrote reports.

    They created labels and cards.

    They created charts and graphs.

    They did some genealogy reports.

    They did every job known to man.

    Jesus worked with Heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

    Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went out.

    Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

    Jesus just sighed.

    Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted his computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

    "It's gone!! It's all GONE!! I lost everything when the power went out!!"

    Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all His files from the past two hours of work.

    Satan observed this and became irate!

    "Wait!" he screamed, "That's not fair! He cheated!! How come He has all His work and I don't have any?"

    God just shrugged and said,

    "JESUS SAVES"

    Jokes off the seawall

    This is a new blog, which will contain the steady flow of funnies that have featured on my main journal, Northern Trip.

    Heaven and hell

    Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

    Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT!! I have had enough! I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."

    So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

    They moused.

    They faxed.

    They e-mailed.

    They e-mailed with attachments.

    They downloaded.

    They did spreadsheets!

    They wrote reports.

    They created labels and cards.

    They created charts and graphs.

    They did some genealogy reports.

    They did every job known to man.

    Jesus worked with Heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

    Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went out.

    Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

    Jesus just sighed.

    Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted his computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

    "It's gone!! It's all GONE!! I lost everything when the power went out!!"

    Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all His files from the past two hours of work.

    Satan observed this and became irate!

    "Wait!" he screamed, "That's not fair! He cheated!! How come He has all His work and I don't have any?"

    God just shrugged and said,

    "JESUS SAVES"

    Heaven and hell

    Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

    Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT!! I have had enough! I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."

    So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

    They moused.

    They faxed.

    They e-mailed.

    They e-mailed with attachments.

    They downloaded.

    They did spreadsheets!

    They wrote reports.

    They created labels and cards.

    They created charts and graphs.

    They did some genealogy reports.

    They did every job known to man.

    Jesus worked with Heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

    Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went out.

    Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

    Jesus just sighed.

    Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted his computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

    "It's gone!! It's all GONE!! I lost everything when the power went out!!"

    Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all His files from the past two hours of work.

    Satan observed this and became irate!

    "Wait!" he screamed, "That's not fair! He cheated!! How come He has all His work and I don't have any?"

    God just shrugged and said,

    "JESUS SAVES"

    Nelson Mandela

    Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

    When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,

    "You Sign! You sign!"

    Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.


    Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,


    "You Sign! You sign!"


    Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.


    The next day he hears a knock at the door again.


    When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.


    He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,


    "You sign! You sign!"


    Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:


    "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.


    The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.


    On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,


    "You sign! You sign!"


    Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.


    This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him:


    "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"


    The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:



    (It's a beauty)


    (Wait for it)



    (Get your best Chinese accent ready)






    "You not Nissan Main Deala?"

    Nelson Mandela

    Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

    When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,

    "You Sign! You sign!"

    Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.


    Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,


    "You Sign! You sign!"


    Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.


    The next day he hears a knock at the door again.


    When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.


    He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,


    "You sign! You sign!"


    Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:


    "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.


    The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.


    On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,


    "You sign! You sign!"


    Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.


    This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him:


    "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"


    The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:



    (It's a beauty)


    (Wait for it)



    (Get your best Chinese accent ready)






    "You not Nissan Main Deala?"

    Beat a dead donkey

    Father O'Malley rose from his bed.
    It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

    The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
    "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

    Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

    There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.

    Beat a dead donkey

    Father O'Malley rose from his bed.
    It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

    The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
    "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

    Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

    There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.

    Naughty chocolates

    Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight.

    She was from Quality Street , he was a Fisherman's Friend.

    On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum.
    He asked her name, 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said.

    'I'm the one with the nuts,' he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way.

    They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.

    It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Miss Rowntree shaked her Tic Tacs for him.

    Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.

    When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie.

    She wanted more, but he needed a Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!

    Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.

    Sadly, 3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts!!!

    Naughty chocolates

    Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight.

    She was from Quality Street , he was a Fisherman's Friend.

    On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum.
    He asked her name, 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said.

    'I'm the one with the nuts,' he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way.

    They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.

    It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Miss Rowntree shaked her Tic Tacs for him.

    Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.

    When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie.

    She wanted more, but he needed a Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!

    Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.

    Sadly, 3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts!!!

    Temperature warning

    40 degrees- Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Scotland sunbathe.

    35 degrees- Italian cars won't start. People in Scotland drive with the windows down.

    20 degrees- Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats. People in Scotland throw on a T-shirt.

    15 degrees- Californians begin to evacuate the state. People in Scotland go swimming.

    Zero degrees- New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Scotland have the last bbq before it gets cold.

    20 degrees below zero- Californians fly away to Mexico. People in Scotland think about a light jacket.

    80 degrees below zero- Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic Scottish Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.

    100 degrees below zero- Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. People in Scotland throw on their Big jumpers.

    173 degrees below zero- Ethyl alcohol freezes.. People in Scotland get frustrated when they can't thaw their kegs.

    460 degrees below zero- ALL atomic motion stops. People in Scotland start saying "chilly, you cald an aw?"

    500 degrees below zero- Hell freezes over. Scottish people think about supporting England in World Cup!!!!

    Temperature warning

    40 degrees- Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Scotland sunbathe.

    35 degrees- Italian cars won't start. People in Scotland drive with the windows down.

    20 degrees- Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats. People in Scotland throw on a T-shirt.

    15 degrees- Californians begin to evacuate the state. People in Scotland go swimming.

    Zero degrees- New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Scotland have the last bbq before it gets cold.

    20 degrees below zero- Californians fly away to Mexico. People in Scotland think about a light jacket.

    80 degrees below zero- Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic Scottish Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.

    100 degrees below zero- Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. People in Scotland throw on their Big jumpers.

    173 degrees below zero- Ethyl alcohol freezes.. People in Scotland get frustrated when they can't thaw their kegs.

    460 degrees below zero- ALL atomic motion stops. People in Scotland start saying "chilly, you cald an aw?"

    500 degrees below zero- Hell freezes over. Scottish people think about supporting England in World Cup!!!!

    Hapless drunk

    A man had had one too much to drink and managed to drive his van off the A830 road between Mallaig and Fort William, in the West Highlands. The driver knocked on the door of the nearest house, a B&B. When the proprietor opened the door, the van driver said: "Listen, can you give me a lift? I've had too much to drink, and I've crashed my van. Please don't tell the bobbies, OK?" The man at the B&B said he couldn't take him in his car until he had dressed properly, so he asked the driver to wait. The proprietor went upstairs and changed into his full police uniform. He then proceeded to charge the driver, put handcuffs on him and placed him in the back of his police car, which had been hidden in the darkness beside the house. After a while, police from Fort William, 40 miles away, came and took the drunk away. The van meanwhile had been reported by motorists as blocking the A830 with lights blazing and keys still in the ignition. The hapless drunk was fined £500 and banned from driving for 18 months.

    Hapless drunk

    A man had had one too much to drink and managed to drive his van off the A830 road between Mallaig and Fort William, in the West Highlands. The driver knocked on the door of the nearest house, a B&B. When the proprietor opened the door, the van driver said: "Listen, can you give me a lift? I've had too much to drink, and I've crashed my van. Please don't tell the bobbies, OK?" The man at the B&B said he couldn't take him in his car until he had dressed properly, so he asked the driver to wait. The proprietor went upstairs and changed into his full police uniform. He then proceeded to charge the driver, put handcuffs on him and placed him in the back of his police car, which had been hidden in the darkness beside the house. After a while, police from Fort William, 40 miles away, came and took the drunk away. The van meanwhile had been reported by motorists as blocking the A830 with lights blazing and keys still in the ignition. The hapless drunk was fined £500 and banned from driving for 18 months.

    Women's Drivers League

    10
    9

    8


    7

    6

    5

    4

    3

    2
    She's wearing her helmet the wrong way round
    1

    Women's Drivers League

    10
    9

    8


    7

    6

    5

    4

    3

    2
    She's wearing her helmet the wrong way round
    1

    Bad day

    I rear-ended a car this morning. I tell you, I knew right then and there that it was going to be a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and wouldn't you know it! He was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!" So I said, "OK, then, which one ARE you?" The day just deteriorated after that.

    Bad day

    I rear-ended a car this morning. I tell you, I knew right then and there that it was going to be a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and wouldn't you know it! He was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!" So I said, "OK, then, which one ARE you?" The day just deteriorated after that.

    Friday, 23 November 2007

    Shower practice

    HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN :

    Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
    Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
    Get in the shower.
    Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
    Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
    Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
    Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
    Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
    Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
    Rinse conditioner off hair.
    Shave armpits and legs.
    Turn off shower.
    Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
    Spray mold spots with Tilex.
    Get out of shower.
    Dry with towel the size of a small country.
    Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
    Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
    If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

    HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
    Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
    Walk naked to the bathroom.
    If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound.
    Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
    Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
    Get in the shower.
    Wash your face.
    Wash your armpits.
    Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
    Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
    Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
    Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
    Wash your hair.
    Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
    Pee.
    Rinse off and get out of shower.
    Partially dry off.
    Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
    Admire wiener size in mirror again.

    Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
    Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
    If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
    Throw wet towel on bed.


    If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something SO very wrong with you. Have a great day! Oh, and....woo hoo!!!

    Shower practice

    HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN :

    Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
    Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
    Get in the shower.
    Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
    Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
    Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
    Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
    Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
    Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
    Rinse conditioner off hair.
    Shave armpits and legs.
    Turn off shower.
    Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
    Spray mold spots with Tilex.
    Get out of shower.
    Dry with towel the size of a small country.
    Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
    Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
    If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

    HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
    Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
    Walk naked to the bathroom.
    If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound.
    Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
    Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
    Get in the shower.
    Wash your face.
    Wash your armpits.
    Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
    Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
    Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
    Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
    Wash your hair.
    Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
    Pee.
    Rinse off and get out of shower.
    Partially dry off.
    Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
    Admire wiener size in mirror again.

    Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
    Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
    If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
    Throw wet towel on bed.


    If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something SO very wrong with you. Have a great day! Oh, and....woo hoo!!!

    Age-activated attention Deficit Disorder

    Now I have an excuse! I'm so glad there is a name for what I have! LOL

    I just wanted to let you know that I recently was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

    This is how it manifests:

    I decide to water my garden.

    As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

    As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.

    I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

    I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

    So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

    But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

    I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left.

    My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

    I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I realize the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

    As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

    I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

    I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

    I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

    I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on he kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

    I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

    So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

    Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

    At the end of the day:

    the driveway is flooded
    the car isn't washed,
    the bills aren't paid,
    there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
    there is still only one check in my check book,
    I can't find the remote,
    I can't find my glasses,
    and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
    Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

    I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

    Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who I have sent it to.

    Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

    Age-activated attention Deficit Disorder

    Now I have an excuse! I'm so glad there is a name for what I have! LOL

    I just wanted to let you know that I recently was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

    This is how it manifests:

    I decide to water my garden.

    As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

    As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.

    I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

    I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

    So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

    But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

    I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left.

    My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

    I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I realize the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

    As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

    I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

    I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

    I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

    I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on he kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

    I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

    So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

    Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

    At the end of the day:

    the driveway is flooded
    the car isn't washed,
    the bills aren't paid,
    there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
    there is still only one check in my check book,
    I can't find the remote,
    I can't find my glasses,
    and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
    Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

    I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

    Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who I have sent it to.

    Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

    Don't die in Parliament

    it could get you in trouble with the law. Some more stupid laws from the UK (thanks to BBC):

  • 1. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament
  • 2. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British king or queen's image upside-down
  • 3. It is illegal for a woman to be topless in Liverpool except as a clerk in a tropical fish store
  • 4. Eating mince pies on Christmas Day is banned (5%)
  • 5. If someone knocks on your door in Scotland and requires the use of your toilet, you are required to let them enter
  • 6. In the UK a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman's helmet
  • 7. The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the King, and the tail of the Queen
  • 8. It is illegal not to tell the tax man anything you do not want him to know, but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing
  • 9. It is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament wearing a suit of armour
  • 10. It is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls of York, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow
  • Other bizarre foreign laws

  • In Ohio, it is illegal to get a fish drunk
  • In Indonesia, the penalty for masturbation is decapitation
  • A male doctor in Bahrain can only examine the genitals of a woman in the reflection of a mirror
  • In Switzerland, a man may not relieve himself standing up after 10pm
  • It is illegal to be blindfolded while driving a vehicle in Alabama
  • In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on a Sunday could be jailed
  • Women in Vermont must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth
  • In Milan, it is a legal requirement to smile at all times, except during funerals or hospital visits
  • In France, it is illegal to name a pig Napoleon
  • Don't die in Parliament

    it could get you in trouble with the law. Some more stupid laws from the UK (thanks to BBC):

  • 1. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament
  • 2. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British king or queen's image upside-down
  • 3. It is illegal for a woman to be topless in Liverpool except as a clerk in a tropical fish store
  • 4. Eating mince pies on Christmas Day is banned (5%)
  • 5. If someone knocks on your door in Scotland and requires the use of your toilet, you are required to let them enter
  • 6. In the UK a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman's helmet
  • 7. The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the King, and the tail of the Queen
  • 8. It is illegal not to tell the tax man anything you do not want him to know, but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing
  • 9. It is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament wearing a suit of armour
  • 10. It is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls of York, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow
  • Other bizarre foreign laws

  • In Ohio, it is illegal to get a fish drunk
  • In Indonesia, the penalty for masturbation is decapitation
  • A male doctor in Bahrain can only examine the genitals of a woman in the reflection of a mirror
  • In Switzerland, a man may not relieve himself standing up after 10pm
  • It is illegal to be blindfolded while driving a vehicle in Alabama
  • In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on a Sunday could be jailed
  • Women in Vermont must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth
  • In Milan, it is a legal requirement to smile at all times, except during funerals or hospital visits
  • In France, it is illegal to name a pig Napoleon
  •