Dangers of sunbathing in the nude

With thanks to Julie

Great invention

Perfect when you go on holiday. Do away with the cumbersome, space hogging variety. Instead use the new, foldaway, inflatable variety. Tucks into the smallest of corners of your suitcase, and once at your destination, or in your hotel room in transit, blow it up and get going. What? One of these.


Image courtesy Metro Toronto Area Dart League

Stress at work

1. Okay, okay! I take it back, unf**k you
2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing
3. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up
4. Well, aren't we a darn ray of sunshine?
5. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after
6. Do I look like a people person?
7. This isn't an office. This is hell with fluorescent lighting
8. I started out with nothing, and still have most of it left
9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap.
10. Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control
11. I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years
12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer
13. Do they ever shut up on your planet
14. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable
15. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realise you haven't gone to sleep yet.
16. Back off! You're standing in my aura.
17. Don't worry. I forgot your name too.
18. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.
19. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
20. Wait... I'm trying to imagine you with a personality
21. Chaos, panic and disorder... my work here is done
22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
23. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
24. Earth is full. Go home
25. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
26. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert
27. You are depriving some village of an idiot
28. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport
29. Look in my eyes - do you see one ounce of give a sh*t?
    

Osama bin Liner

INTERNAL MEMO

From: Bin Laden, Osama
To: All Al-Qa'eda fighters
Subject: The Cave
Do not distribute outside organisation

Hi guys. We've been all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that! However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few concerns.

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation (a health and safety issue), so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning rota - have you? I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halal toaster).

Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the s**t out of most of the world's population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background, or keep doing the "Wassup" thing. Thanks.

Third, food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently, clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairylea slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

Fourth: I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the Infidel's bat and ball games. Please do not chant "Ossy, ossy, ossy" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.

Fifth: Graffitti. Whoever wrote "OSAMA F***S DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall. It's a lie. The donkey backed into me whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.

Six: The use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse that the chicken backed into me whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain will not be accepted in future (with donkey's there is a grey area)

Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.

Love you lots, Group Hug. Os.

PS: I'm sick of having "Osama's Bed Linen" scribbled on my laundry bag.
Cut it out, it's not funny anymore.

The demon drink

A new priest was so nervous at his first mass, he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the bishop how he had done. The bishop replied: "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So, he took the bishop's advice. The next Sunday, he got nervous at the beginning of the sermon and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door.

1. Sip the vodka, do not gulp
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
   
7. The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass
10. We do not refer to the Cross as the Big T
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said "take this and eat it for it is my body". He did not say "eat me".
    
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry"
13. The recommended grace for before a meal is not: "Rub-a-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah, God"
14. Next Sunday, there will be a taffy pulling contest at St Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St Taffy's.
    

Keep a healthy level of insanity

1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
3. Everytime someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it IN
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everybody has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to expresso
6. In the memo field of all your checks write “For Sexual Favours”
7. Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the prophecy”
8. Don’t use any punctuation
9. Skip rather than walk as often as possible
10. As people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer
11. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go”
12. Sing along at the opera
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood
16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name: Rock Hard
17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream “I won! I won! Third times this week!!”
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the carpark, yelling: “Run for your lives, they’re loose!!”
19. Tell your children over dinner: “Due to the economy, we’re going to have to let one of you go”

Spoonerisms galore

Ronny Barker, may he rest in peace, was able to rattle off the below without a snigger on BBC TV in the 1970s. No complaint was ever received – speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms (and not wetting your pants) as you read:

The story of Rindercella and the sugly isters

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they  were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dib bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly, the clock struck twelve. “Mist all chucking frighty!!!” said Rindercella, and she ran out, tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella’s door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lift her leg and let off a fig bart. “Who’s fust jarted??” asked the prandsome hince. “Blame that fugly ucker over there!!” said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks were ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The prandsome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.