Funerals

with thanks to Dawn [adlessor] for this and the previous funny.

The Minister and the Funeral

 

 As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside
 service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to
 be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the
 first to be laid to rest there.

 

 As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a
 typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late.
 I saw the backhoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was
 nowhere in sight.I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped
 to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place.
 I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the
 proper thing to do.

 

 The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart
 and soul. As I preached the workers began to say "Amen", "Praise the Lord",
 and "Glory!" I preached and preached, like I'd never preached before: from
 Genesis all the way to Revelations.  I closed the lengthy service with a
 prayer and walked to my car.

 

 As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the
 workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before
 and I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years."

 

 Author Unknown

Fly peeing

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and once in a while a $20 bill flies out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her.
'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.
'Damn!' says the little old lady .'I'd better go back and see if I can find some of them. Thanks for the warning!'
'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?
'Oh, no,' says the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I yell:"$20 or off it comes!''
'Hey, not a bad idea!' laughs the cop. 'Good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?''Well,' says the little old lady, 'not all of them pay.'

Bait

Guy goes on a fishing trip. While loading up his boat he sees another fisherman walk up the bank with a stringer of fish. After much pleading as to the secret of his success the angler told him he was a doctor. His specialty left a nice supply of infected tonsils which seemed to work well for fish bait. Soon another man appeared with a stringer of bigger fish. The poor guy has to know and soon finds out it is another doctor who specializes in appendectomies leaving a supply of bait. Just as the guy is ready to leave he spots another angler with a bigger stringer of huge fish. When he asked the man what kind of doctor he was he replied "Doctor? I'm no doctor I'm a Rabbi"..

Experience

For those with plenty experience of being 21 ;-)

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,

Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,

Bundles of magazines tied up in string,

These are a few of my favorite things.

 

Cadillacs and cataracts, and hearing aids and glasses,

Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,

Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,

These are a few of my favorite things.

 

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,

When the knees go bad,

I simply remember my favorite things and then I don't feel so bad.

 

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,

No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,

Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,

These are a few of my favorite things.

 

Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin’,

Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin'

and we won't mention our short, shrunken frames,    

When we remember our favorite things.

 

When the joints ache, When the hips break,

When the eyes grow dim,

Then I remember the great life I've had and then I don't feel so bad.

Call centre

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Recycling

The image shows a Highland Games event, called tossing the caber. You try to lift and throw a long piece of timber as far as you can.


The world's largest Christmas tree has been recycled.
It was turned into the world's largest caber.
It was sent to President Bush, the world's biggest tosser.

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The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, ‘How Do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.'


'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
Teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to Empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the
Bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
Want a bed near the window?'


ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE ?