Fly peeing

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and once in a while a $20 bill flies out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her.
'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.
'Damn!' says the little old lady .'I'd better go back and see if I can find some of them. Thanks for the warning!'
'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?
'Oh, no,' says the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I yell:"$20 or off it comes!''
'Hey, not a bad idea!' laughs the cop. 'Good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?''Well,' says the little old lady, 'not all of them pay.'

Bait

Guy goes on a fishing trip. While loading up his boat he sees another fisherman walk up the bank with a stringer of fish. After much pleading as to the secret of his success the angler told him he was a doctor. His specialty left a nice supply of infected tonsils which seemed to work well for fish bait. Soon another man appeared with a stringer of bigger fish. The poor guy has to know and soon finds out it is another doctor who specializes in appendectomies leaving a supply of bait. Just as the guy is ready to leave he spots another angler with a bigger stringer of huge fish. When he asked the man what kind of doctor he was he replied "Doctor? I'm no doctor I'm a Rabbi"..

Experience

For those with plenty experience of being 21 ;-)

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,

Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,

Bundles of magazines tied up in string,

These are a few of my favorite things.

 

Cadillacs and cataracts, and hearing aids and glasses,

Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,

Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,

These are a few of my favorite things.

 

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,

When the knees go bad,

I simply remember my favorite things and then I don't feel so bad.

 

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,

No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,

Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,

These are a few of my favorite things.

 

Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin’,

Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin'

and we won't mention our short, shrunken frames,    

When we remember our favorite things.

 

When the joints ache, When the hips break,

When the eyes grow dim,

Then I remember the great life I've had and then I don't feel so bad.

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Recycling

The image shows a Highland Games event, called tossing the caber. You try to lift and throw a long piece of timber as far as you can.


The world's largest Christmas tree has been recycled.
It was turned into the world's largest caber.
It was sent to President Bush, the world's biggest tosser.

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The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, ‘How Do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.'


'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
Teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to Empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the
Bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
Want a bed near the window?'


ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE ?

Out of the mouths of babes... (continued)

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible le for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

 

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

 

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human ,it was physically impossible.

 

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

 

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

 

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

 

 

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

 

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

 

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

 

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

 

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

 

 

 

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

 

After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

 

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

 

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

 

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked,

"Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

 

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

 

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

 

 

 

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

 

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

 

A small voice at the back of the room rang out,

"And there's the teacher, she's dead."

 

 

 

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run in to it, and I would turn red in the face."

 

"Yes," the class said.

 

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

 

A little fellow shouted,

"Cause your feet ain't empty."

 

 

 

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

 

"Take only ONE . God is watching."

 

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

 

A child had written a note,

"Take all you want. God is watching the apples."