Drugs for women

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.


EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!


ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.


PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.


DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.


FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.


MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. "


BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.


JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.


ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.


NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.

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Ornithology

There are two seabirds which look alike.

The cormorant

and the shag


How can you tell them apart? Well, the shag has feathers on his head like a crown and is smaller.

The other thing is, would you take someone out for a meal and a film, then to take them home for a good cormorant?

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Ponderisms

Ponderisms

 

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

 Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

 

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

 

 

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

 

 

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

 

 

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

 

Why are you IN a movie, but you're  ON TV?

 

 

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

 

 

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

 

 

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

 

 

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

 

 

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

 

 

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in  the  carpool lane?

 

 

If the professor on Gilligan's Island  can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

 

 

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

 

 

If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

 

 

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

 

 

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

 

 

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

 

 

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

 

 

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

 

 

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Losing a friend

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UK reposesses the USA

Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.
A Message from John Cleese
To: The citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas which she does not fancy). Our new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You willbe amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' withoutskipping half the letters and the suffix -ize will be replaced by thesuffix -ise.Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptablelevels. (Look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noisessuch as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient formof communication.There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know onyour behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to takeaccount of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. Youwill relearn your original national anthem, God Save the Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough tosort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. Holden Monaros are also approved.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have beencalling gasoline)-roughly $11/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut,fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings anda Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch ofnancies).Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, likethey regularly thrash us.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable tohost an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of allmonies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, nevermugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries inseason.

God Save the Queen.
Only He can.

Hate your job?

When you have a 'I Hate My Job' day.....

Try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.



Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized. '

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,
"I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson."

Cinderella

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said,
"Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The fairy godmother replied,
"It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
"I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."


At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
"You have one more wish; what shall it be?"


Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.


The fairy godmother said,
"Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments,

Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

"Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off"