Fruit

How true it is!
 
In the middle of the table is a round food tray

 with five kinds of fruits on it.

They are:

           a. Apple
           b. Banana
           c. Strawberry
           d. Peach
           e. Orange

Which fruit will you choose? Please think VERY carefully and don't
rush into it. This is great, I was astounded! Your choice reveals a
lot about you!

Test results: Please SCROLL DOW N
             



 
 
 
               
 
 
 
 
 
               
             
             
             
If you have chosen:

  a. Apple:           That means you are a person who likes to eat apples
b. Banana:       That means you are a person who likes to eat bananas
c. Strawberry: That means you are a person who likes to eat strawberries
d. Peach:          That means you are a person who likes to eat peaches
e. Orange:        That means you are a person who likes to eat oranges

I hope you find fulfillment in this new insight about yourself. May it bring you peace and understanding, tranquility and all that other profound stuff.

Also, I'll bet that right now you would like to find me

and wring my neck.  :-)

Well, You won't find me ! ....because I am still hunting down the

person who sent this to me.............

Waste someone's time...forward to a friend! At least smile, you know you want to laugh.

Note

I am aware of Jeannette's shared joke journal "Make 'em laugh!", which I enjoy immensely.

Just to make plain that I do NOT copy stuff out of there - all the jokes in here were sent to me personally in various email relays.

I may copy some of the jokes in this journal into Jeannette's journal.

The bloom of our nation

The following questions and answers were collected from last year's GCSE
exam results in Swindon, Wiltshire. They are genuine responses (from 16 year
olds)!

        Geography

        Q: Name the four seasons.
        A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

        Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to
             drink.
        A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
         pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

        Q: How is dew formed?
        A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

        Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
        A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water
        tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and
        Nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

            Sociology

        Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
        A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

        Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
        A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

        Q: What are steroids?
        A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology

 

        Q: What happens to your body as you age?
        A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

        Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
        A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

        Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
        A: Premature death.
 
        Q: What is artificial insemination?
        A: When the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

        Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
        A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]

        Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g.
            abdomen)
       A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax
       the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the
       heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I,
       O and U.

        Q: What is the Fibula?
        A: A small lie.

        Q: What does "varicose" mean?
        A: Nearby.

        Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
        A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

        Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
        A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

        Q: What is a seizure?
        A: A Roman emperor.

        Q: What is a terminal illness?
        A: When you are sick at the airport

        Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
        A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like

         umbrellas.

        English

        Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its

        meaning.
        A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

        Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
        A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

        Technology

        Q: What is a turbine?
        A: Something an Arab or Sheik wears on head

Two tiny tits

A very flat chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size.

She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAA-AAA-AAA bra?"

The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so Twiggy left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner.

After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart. Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?"

The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"

Think and thingy

As an inspirational measure, a boss placed a sign in the restroom directly above the sink. It had a single word on it, "THINK!"

The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at his sign, and right next to it, above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign, which read, "THOAP!"

====================================================

A woman comes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist, "Can you tell me about Viagra?"

The druggist says, "What would you like to know?"

"What does it do?" she asks.

"Well, when I take it, it enhances my libido and prolongs my erection."

The woman says, "Can you get it over the counter?"

"Yes," says the druggist, "but I'll have to take another pill."

Golfing Nuns

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. "What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ." "I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?" "Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!" "Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!" "No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!" "Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother. "But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile. "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... "You missed the fu**ing putt, didn't you?"

Call centre

Actual call centre conversations !!!!!

Customer:     "I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator:     "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer:     "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator:     "Sir, they are our opening hours".
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Samsung Electronics
Caller:          "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator:     "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller:          "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC  wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator:      "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller:          "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?"
Operator:      " Doesn't the product name give you a clue?"
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Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
"If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller:               "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator:          "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller:               "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator:        "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller:             "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man makingheavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support:      "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer:             "OK".
Tech Support:      "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer:             "No".
Tech Support:      "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer:             "No".
Tech Support:      "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".
Customer:            "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support:          "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer:                 "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller:  "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".
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There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator:         "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller:              "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator:         "What sort of trouble??"
Caller:              "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator:         "Went away?"
Caller:              "They disappeared."
Operator:         "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller:              "Nothing."
Operator:         "Nothing??"
Caller:              "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator:         "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller:              "How do I tell?"
Operator:         "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller:              "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator:         "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller:              "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator:         "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller:              "What's a monitor?"
Operator:         "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller:               "I don't know."
Operator:          "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller:              "Yes, I think so."
Operator:         "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller:              "Yes, it is."
Operator:         "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller:               "No."
Operator:          "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller:               "Okay, here it is."
Operator:          "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller:               "I can't reach."
Operator:          "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller:               "No."
Operator:          "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller:               "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator:          "Dark??"
Caller:               "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
" Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller:               "I can't."
Operator:          "No? Why not??"
Caller:               "Because there's a power failure."
Operator:  "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller:               "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator:           "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like itwas when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller:                "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator:            "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller:                 "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator:            "Tell them you're too f---ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!"