Father O'Malley rose from his bed.
It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.
Saturday, 24 November 2007
Beat a dead donkey
Father O'Malley rose from his bed.
It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.
It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.
Naughty chocolates
Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight.
She was from Quality Street , he was a Fisherman's Friend.
On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum.
He asked her name, 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said.
'I'm the one with the nuts,' he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way.
They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.
It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Miss Rowntree shaked her Tic Tacs for him.
Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.
When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie.
She wanted more, but he needed a Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!
Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.
Sadly, 3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts!!!
She was from Quality Street , he was a Fisherman's Friend.
On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum.
He asked her name, 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said.
'I'm the one with the nuts,' he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way.
They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.
It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Miss Rowntree shaked her Tic Tacs for him.
Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.
When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie.
She wanted more, but he needed a Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!
Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.
Sadly, 3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts!!!
Naughty chocolates
Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight.
She was from Quality Street , he was a Fisherman's Friend.
On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum.
He asked her name, 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said.
'I'm the one with the nuts,' he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way.
They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.
It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Miss Rowntree shaked her Tic Tacs for him.
Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.
When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie.
She wanted more, but he needed a Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!
Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.
Sadly, 3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts!!!
She was from Quality Street , he was a Fisherman's Friend.
On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum.
He asked her name, 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said.
'I'm the one with the nuts,' he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way.
They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.
It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Miss Rowntree shaked her Tic Tacs for him.
Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.
When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie.
She wanted more, but he needed a Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!
Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.
Sadly, 3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts!!!
Temperature warning
40 degrees- Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Scotland sunbathe.
35 degrees- Italian cars won't start. People in Scotland drive with the windows down.
20 degrees- Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats. People in Scotland throw on a T-shirt.
15 degrees- Californians begin to evacuate the state. People in Scotland go swimming.
Zero degrees- New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Scotland have the last bbq before it gets cold.
20 degrees below zero- Californians fly away to Mexico. People in Scotland think about a light jacket.
80 degrees below zero- Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic Scottish Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.
100 degrees below zero- Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. People in Scotland throw on their Big jumpers.
173 degrees below zero- Ethyl alcohol freezes.. People in Scotland get frustrated when they can't thaw their kegs.
460 degrees below zero- ALL atomic motion stops. People in Scotland start saying "chilly, you cald an aw?"
500 degrees below zero- Hell freezes over. Scottish people think about supporting England in World Cup!!!!
35 degrees- Italian cars won't start. People in Scotland drive with the windows down.
20 degrees- Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats. People in Scotland throw on a T-shirt.
15 degrees- Californians begin to evacuate the state. People in Scotland go swimming.
Zero degrees- New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Scotland have the last bbq before it gets cold.
20 degrees below zero- Californians fly away to Mexico. People in Scotland think about a light jacket.
80 degrees below zero- Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic Scottish Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.
100 degrees below zero- Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. People in Scotland throw on their Big jumpers.
173 degrees below zero- Ethyl alcohol freezes.. People in Scotland get frustrated when they can't thaw their kegs.
460 degrees below zero- ALL atomic motion stops. People in Scotland start saying "chilly, you cald an aw?"
500 degrees below zero- Hell freezes over. Scottish people think about supporting England in World Cup!!!!
Temperature warning
40 degrees- Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Scotland sunbathe.
35 degrees- Italian cars won't start. People in Scotland drive with the windows down.
20 degrees- Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats. People in Scotland throw on a T-shirt.
15 degrees- Californians begin to evacuate the state. People in Scotland go swimming.
Zero degrees- New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Scotland have the last bbq before it gets cold.
20 degrees below zero- Californians fly away to Mexico. People in Scotland think about a light jacket.
80 degrees below zero- Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic Scottish Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.
100 degrees below zero- Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. People in Scotland throw on their Big jumpers.
173 degrees below zero- Ethyl alcohol freezes.. People in Scotland get frustrated when they can't thaw their kegs.
460 degrees below zero- ALL atomic motion stops. People in Scotland start saying "chilly, you cald an aw?"
500 degrees below zero- Hell freezes over. Scottish people think about supporting England in World Cup!!!!
35 degrees- Italian cars won't start. People in Scotland drive with the windows down.
20 degrees- Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats. People in Scotland throw on a T-shirt.
15 degrees- Californians begin to evacuate the state. People in Scotland go swimming.
Zero degrees- New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Scotland have the last bbq before it gets cold.
20 degrees below zero- Californians fly away to Mexico. People in Scotland think about a light jacket.
80 degrees below zero- Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic Scottish Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.
100 degrees below zero- Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. People in Scotland throw on their Big jumpers.
173 degrees below zero- Ethyl alcohol freezes.. People in Scotland get frustrated when they can't thaw their kegs.
460 degrees below zero- ALL atomic motion stops. People in Scotland start saying "chilly, you cald an aw?"
500 degrees below zero- Hell freezes over. Scottish people think about supporting England in World Cup!!!!
Hapless drunk
A man had had one too much to drink and managed to drive his van off the A830 road between Mallaig and Fort William, in the West Highlands. The driver knocked on the door of the nearest house, a B&B. When the proprietor opened the door, the van driver said: "Listen, can you give me a lift? I've had too much to drink, and I've crashed my van. Please don't tell the bobbies, OK?" The man at the B&B said he couldn't take him in his car until he had dressed properly, so he asked the driver to wait. The proprietor went upstairs and changed into his full police uniform. He then proceeded to charge the driver, put handcuffs on him and placed him in the back of his police car, which had been hidden in the darkness beside the house. After a while, police from Fort William, 40 miles away, came and took the drunk away. The van meanwhile had been reported by motorists as blocking the A830 with lights blazing and keys still in the ignition. The hapless drunk was fined £500 and banned from driving for 18 months.
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