Jokes off the seawall

Trompe d'oeil

2009-09-26T11:04:00.000-07:00

Or in plain English: did I read that right?

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
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Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
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War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
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Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
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Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
---------------- ---------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is...
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Dangers of sunbathing in the nude

2009-05-27T10:57:00.000-07:00

With thanks to Julie

Great invention

2009-05-01T13:55:00.000-07:00

Perfect when you go on holiday. Do away with the cumbersome, space hogging variety. Instead use the new, foldaway, inflatable variety. Tucks into the smallest of corners of your suitcase, and once at your destination, or in your hotel room in transit, blow it up and get going. What? One of these.

Image courtesy Metro Toronto Area Dart League

Stress at work

2009-04-10T14:44:00.001-07:00

Okay, okay! I take it back, unf**k you
You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing
Well, this day was a total waste of make-up
Well, aren't we a darn ray of sunshine?
Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after
Do I look like a people person?
This isn't an office. This is hell with fluorescent lighting
I started out with nothing, and still have most of it left
Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap.
Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control
I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years
Sarcasm is just one more service I offer
Do they ever shut up on your planet
I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realise you haven't gone to sleep yet.
Back off! You're standing in my aura.
Don't worry. I forgot your name too.
I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
Wait... I'm trying to imagine you with a personality
Chaos, panic and disorder... my work here is done
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
You look like shit. Is that the style now?
Earth is full. Go home
Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert
You are depriving some village of an idiot
If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport
Look in my eyes - do you see one ounce of give a sh*t?

Osama bin Liner

2009-04-10T09:35:00.000-07:00

INTERNAL MEMO

From: Bin Laden, Osama
To: All Al-Qa'eda fighters
Subject: The Cave
Do not distribute outside organisation

Hi guys. We've been all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that! However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few concerns.

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation (a health and safety issue), so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning rota - have you? I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halal toaster).

Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the s**t out of most of the world's population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background, or keep doing the "Wassup" thing. Thanks.

Third, food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently, clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairylea slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

Fourth: I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the Infidel's bat and ball games. Please do not chant "Ossy, ossy, ossy" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.

Fifth: Graffitti. Whoever wrote "OSAMA F***S DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall. It's a lie. The donkey backed into me whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.

Six: The use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse that the chicken backed into me whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain will not be accepted in future (with donkey's there is a grey area)

Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.

Love you lots, Group Hug. Os.

PS: I'm sick of having "Osama's Bed Linen" scribbled on my laundry bag.
Cut it out, it's not funny anymore.

The demon drink

2009-04-10T09:24:00.001-07:00

A new priest was so nervous at his first mass, he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the bishop how he had done. The bishop replied: "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So, he took the bishop's advice. The next Sunday, he got nervous at the beginning of the sermon and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door.

Sip the vodka, do not gulp
There are 10 commandments, not 12
There are 12 disciples, not 10
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him
When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass
We do not refer to the Cross as the Big T
When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said "take this and eat it for it is my body". He did not say "eat me".
The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry"
The recommended grace for before a meal is not: "Rub-a-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah, God"
Next Sunday, there will be a taffy pulling contest at St Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St Taffy's.

Keep a healthy level of insanity

2009-04-08T11:20:00.001-07:00

At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
Everytime someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that
Put your garbage can on your desk and label it IN
Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everybody has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to expresso
In the memo field of all your checks write “For Sexual Favours”
Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the prophecy”
Don’t use any punctuation
Skip rather than walk as often as possible
As people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer
Specify that your drive-through order is “to go”
Sing along at the opera
Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme
Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day
Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood
Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name: Rock Hard
When the money comes out of the ATM, scream “I won! I won! Third times this week!!”
When leaving the zoo, start running towards the carpark, yelling: “Run for your lives, they’re loose!!”
Tell your children over dinner: “Due to the economy, we’re going to have to let one of you go”

Spoonerisms galore

2009-04-08T11:11:00.001-07:00

Ronny Barker, may he rest in peace, was able to rattle off the below without a snigger on BBC TV in the 1970s. No complaint was ever received – speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms (and not wetting your pants) as you read:

The story of Rindercella and the sugly isters

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dib bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly, the clock struck twelve. “Mist all chucking frighty!!!” said Rindercella, and she ran out, tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella’s door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lift her leg and let off a fig bart. “Who’s fust jarted??” asked the prandsome hince. “Blame that fugly ucker over there!!” said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks were ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The prandsome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.

Managing the Bank Manager

2009-04-08T11:02:00.001-07:00

Dear Bank Manager,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting it and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer of course to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.

You are to be commending for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account 50 pound by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2009, taking as my model the procedures, attributes and conduct of your very bank.

To this end, please be advised about the following changes.

I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, ever changing, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your branch whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which (s)he must quote in dealings with me. I regret it cannot be any shorter than 28 digits, but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which, you will notice, is very much like yours.

Press buttons as follows:

To make an appointment to see me
To query a missing payment
To transfer the call to my living room in case I’m there
To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I’m asleep
To transfer the call to my toilet in case I’m attending to nature
To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I’m not at home
To leave a message on my computer – a password to access my computer is requried. Password will be communicated at a later date to the authorised contact
To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 9
To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will be played for the duration of the call to entertain the listener.

On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Authorised contact will now be billed at £5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured chequer, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75p per minute. You are well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.

Email replies

2009-04-07T11:06:00.000-07:00

I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.
You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all
Sorry to have missed you, but I am at the doctors' having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management
I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words, and $1.99 for each additional word in your message
"The email server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again" (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over)
Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queueing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
Please reply to this email so I will know that you got this message. I am on holiday. Your email has been deleted.
Hi. I'm thinking about what you just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.
I've run away to join a different circus
I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please address me as Loretta, rather than Steve

Questions on pregnancy

2009-04-07T10:48:00.000-07:00

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough

Q: I'm 2 months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he leaves college

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth

Q: My wife is 5 months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is that right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current

Q: When is the best time to have an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?
A: Not unless the word alimony means anything to you

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes. Pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife being to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Aircraft maintenance

2009-04-07T10:27:00.000-07:00

This is an old stand-by, but still hilariously funny. It is about the gripesheet that airline pilots with Qantas have to fill out. Their entry is registered under P, and the mechanic seeing to the aircraft enters his resolution to the problem under S. Oh, Qantas is apparently the only airline that has never had an accident.

P: left inside main tire almost needs replacement
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield
S: Live bugs on back-order

P: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on the ground

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
S: Evidence removed

P: DME volume unbelievably loud
S: DME volume set to more believable level

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
S: That's what they are there for

P: IFF inoperative
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

P: Suspected crack in windshield
S: Suspect you're right

P: Engine no 3 missing
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P: Aircraft handles funny
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious

P: Target radar hums
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics

P: Mouse in cockpit
S: Cat installed

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer
S: Took hammer away from midget

Internet

2009-04-07T10:23:00.000-07:00

The Internet has taught us some bad habits. Someone decided to show us the following dozen rules to follow.

I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper, like I used to, before the Internet
I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork, and not with one hand typing
I will get dressed before noon
I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes and plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet
I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived
I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet
I will read a book, if I somehow remember how
I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet
I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email
I will try to get out of the house at least once a week - necessary or not
I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Internet
Last but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime. The Internet will always be there tomorrow!

Signs

2009-04-07T10:14:00.000-07:00

On a septic tank truck
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

Sign over a gynaecologist's office
Dr Jones, at your cervix

On a plumber's truck
Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber

On a Pizza shop
7 days without pizza makes one weak

At a tireshop
Invite us to your next blowout

On a plastic surgeon's office door
Hello. Can we pick your nose?

At a towing company
We don't charge an arm and a leg, we want tows

On an electrician's truck
Let us remove your shorts

In a non-smoking area
If we see you smoke, we will assume you are on fire, and will take appropriate action

On a maternity room door
Push. Push. Push.

At an optometrist's office
If you don't see what you are looking for, you have come to the right place

On a taxidermist's window
We really know our stuff

In a podiatrist's office
Time wounds all heels

On a fence
Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.

At a car dealership
The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment

Outside a muffler shop
No appointment necessary. We hear you coming

In a vet's waiting room
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

At the electric company
We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be

In a restaurant window
Don't stand there being hungry. Come on in and get fed up

In the front yard of a funeral home
Drive carefully. We'll wait.

At a propane filling station
Thank heaven for little grills

At a radiator shop
Best place in town to take a leak

Bumper stickers

2009-04-07T10:08:00.000-07:00

If you can't feed em, don't breed em!
Constipated people don't give a crap
If you can read this, I've lost my trailer
Horn broken - watch for finger
The earth is full - go home
I have the body of a God - Buddha
So many pedestrians, so little time
Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult
If we quit voting, will they all go away
Eat right, exercise, die anyway
Illiterate? Write for help
Honk if anything falls off
Cover me, I'm changing lanes
He who hesitates not only is lost - but is miles from the next exit
I refuse to have a battle of wits - with an unarmed person
I do whatever my rice krispies tell me to
Fight crime - shoot back!
(seen upside-down on a jeep): If you can read this, please flip me back over...
Stoplights time for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph
Guys: no shirt, no service. Gals: no shirt, no charge
Ax me about ebonics
Body by Nautilus, brain by Mattel
Boldly going nowhere
Caution: driver legally blonde
Heart attacks: God's revenge for eating his animal freinds
How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
All men are animals; some just make better pets
Politicians and diapers both need to be changed, and both for the same reason

Religious education

2009-04-07T09:58:00.000-07:00

These are the actual answers to questions in a RE exam. All spelling and grammar errors are authentic.

In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off
Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built the Ark and the animals came on in pears.
Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night
The jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals
Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles
Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.
The First Commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple
The Seventh Commandments is thou shalt not admit adultery
Moses died before he even reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.
The greatest miricle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines
When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta
David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manger
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption
St John the Blacksmith dumped water on his head
Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone
It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance
The epistles were the wives of the apostles
One of the oppossums was St Matthew who was also a taximan.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels
St Paul cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marraige.

Complaints

2009-04-07T09:50:00.000-07:00

to British local authorities about their housing stock.

My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing on it
He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore
It's the dogs' mess that I find hard to swallow
I want some repairs done to my cooker, as it has backfired and burnt my knob off
I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage
And their 18-year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence
I wish to report that my tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was the bad wind the other night that blew them off
My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall
Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday, and now she is pregnant
I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen
50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy
I am still having problem with smoke in my new drawers
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared
Will you please send a man to looki at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces
I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me
The man nextdoor has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous
Our kitchenfloor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it
I am a single women living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night
Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife
I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times, but I still have no satisfaction
This is to let you know that the lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2

Out of the mouth of babes...

2009-04-07T09:40:00.000-07:00

Six year olds were asked to complete the first part of well-known proverbs. The results were astonishing to say the least.

Don't change horses --- until they stop running
Strike while the --- bug is close
It's always darkest before --- daylight savings time
Never underestimate the power of --- termites
You can lead a horse to water but --- how?
Don't bite the hand that --- looks dirty
No news is --- impossible
A miss is as good as a --- Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new --- math
If you lie down with dogs you'll --- stink in the morning
Love all, trust --- me
Then pen is mightier than the --- pigs
An idle mind is --- the best way to relax
Where there's smoke, there's --- pollution
Happy the bride who --- gets all the presents
A penny saved is --- not much
Two's company, three's --- the Musketeers
Don't put off until tomorrow what --- you put on to go to bed
Laugh and whole world laughs with you, cry and --- you have to blow your nose
There are none so blind as --- Stevie Wonder
Children should be seen and not --- spanked or grounded
If at first you don't succeed --- get new batteries
You get out of something only what you --- see in the picture on the box
When the blind lead the blind --- get out of the way
Better late than --- pregnant

Did I read that right?

2009-01-14T14:59:00.000-08:00

TOILET OUT OF ORDER......
PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T
WORK)

Old headlines

2009-01-14T14:56:00.000-08:00

THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2004:

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
imagine that!

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
no, really?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
now that's taking things a bit far!

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[not if I wipe thoroughly]!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[what a guy]!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
see if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
you think?

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
who would have thought!

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
they may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
he probably IS the battery charge!

New Study of ObesityLooks for Larger Test Group
weren't they fat enough?

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Whether the Weather, Whatever

2009-01-14T14:54:00.000-08:00

Just found these hilarious genuine answers given by students in a test on the weather.

Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.

The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.

Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.

Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.

Water vapour gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.

Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.

A blizzard is when it snows sideways.

Don't knock the weather; nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in awhile!

Probably the last completely accurate forecast was when God told Noah there was a 100 percent chance of precipitation.

If you see a heat wave, should you wave back?

Why not move the political conventions to one of the winter months, so all the hot air won't go to waste?

Mum's Prayer to Santa

2008-12-23T07:38:00.000-08:00

Dear Santa,

I've been a good mum all year. I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor,sold sixty-two cases of choc bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground.

I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, a nd who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes:

I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (in any colour, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the breeze; but are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the lolly aisle in the grocery store.

I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.

If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like fingerprint resistant wi ndows, a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.

On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, "Yes, Mummy" to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don't fight and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.

I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother," because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog.

If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.

If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season.

Would it be too much trouble to declare tomato sauce a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family.

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back.

Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the door and come in and dry off so you don't catch cold.

Help yourself to cookies on the table but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.

Yours Always, MUM...!

P.S. One more thing...you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children happy, healthy and always believing.

*Santa has asked that this gets passed on to all the mummies you know.

Intentional puns

2008-12-14T04:16:00.001-08:00

With thanks to Sybil

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,
but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whisky maker,
but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because
it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder
and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope,
it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road
and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in
Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race.
They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow .
Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.
The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was,
a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was
a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now
a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary,
they got a taste of religion.

Real 9-1-1 calls

2008-11-23T14:59:00.000-08:00

With thanks to Nancy
BELIEVE it or not ,
These are Nashville, TN's REAL 911 Calls!

Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I' m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: N o
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

Complaints

2008-07-26T14:18:00.000-07:00

ComplaintLetter of the Year. The British do have a way with words....
Areal-life customer complaint letter sent to NTL (to their complaintsdept....)

DearCretins,
Ihave been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up foryour 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. Duringthis three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of servicewhich I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignoranceand stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to providespecific details, so that you can either pursue your professionalperogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely(I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading materialas you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinkingvendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

Myinitial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in myspending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for yourtechnician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even moreannoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpfulwebsite....HOW?

Ialleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes- an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highlyadept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weekslater, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vitaltools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, mycable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, andbegun to pay for it. I estimate your internet server's downtime isroughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and mostof the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. Ihave made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have beenunhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals,who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

Ihave been informed that a telephone line is available (and someonewill call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someonewill call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knowswhether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to ananswer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I willbe transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritatingScottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtlessyou are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least athousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another oneof those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly Idon't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice myfrustration's in print than to shout them at your unending holdmusic. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

Ithought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot ofgodawful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could bemore disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to deliveringservice to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because,well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I thereforewas, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction anddisappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. Youare sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of thehighest order.

BritishTelecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons ofsuccess, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitlessinadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile andfoolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggestthat you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment fromme for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophicallyfailed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially withhilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and evenperhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected withgreat care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter andcomplete contempt for both you and your pointless company. Isincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit -they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feelconsiderable disappointment if you did not experience both their richaroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of myfeelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

Havea nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, youirritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

Funerals

2008-03-23T15:01:00.000-07:00

with thanks to Dawn [adlessor] for this and the previous funny.

The Minister and the Funeral

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside
service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to
be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the
first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a
typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late.
I saw the backhoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was
nowhere in sight.I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped
to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place.
I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the
proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart
and soul. As I preached the workers began to say "Amen", "Praise the Lord",
and "Glory!" I preached and preached, like I'd never preached before: from
Genesis all the way to Revelations. I closed the lengthy service with a
prayer and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the
workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before
and I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years."

Author Unknown

Fly peeing

2008-03-22T08:29:00.000-07:00

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and once in a while a $20 bill flies out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her.
'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.
'Damn!' says the little old lady .'I'd better go back and see if I can find some of them. Thanks for the warning!'
'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?
'Oh, no,' says the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I yell:"$20 or off it comes!''
'Hey, not a bad idea!' laughs the cop. 'Good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?''Well,' says the little old lady, 'not all of them pay.'

Bait

2008-03-19T05:07:00.000-07:00

Guy goes on a fishing trip. While loading up his boat he sees another fisherman walk up the bank with a stringer of fish. After much pleading as to the secret of his success the angler told him he was a doctor. His specialty left a nice supply of infected tonsils which seemed to work well for fish bait. Soon another man appeared with a stringer of bigger fish. The poor guy has to know and soon finds out it is another doctor who specializes in appendectomies leaving a supply of bait. Just as the guy is ready to leave he spots another angler with a bigger stringer of huge fish. When he asked the man what kind of doctor he was he replied "Doctor? I'm no doctor I'm a Rabbi"..

Experience

2008-03-10T14:03:00.000-07:00

For those with plenty experience of being 21 ;-)

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,

Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,

Bundles of magazines tied up in string,

These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts, and hearing aids and glasses,

Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,

Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,

These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,

When the knees go bad,

I simply remember my favorite things and then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,

No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,

Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,

These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin’,

Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin'

and we won't mention our short, shrunken frames,

When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, When the hips break,

When the eyes grow dim,

Then I remember the great life I've had and then I don't feel so bad.

Call centre

2008-03-07T14:58:00.000-08:00

Recycling

2008-03-07T10:34:00.000-08:00

The image shows a Highland Games event, called tossing the caber. You try to lift and throw a long piece of timber as far as you can.

The world's largest Christmas tree has been recycled.
It was turned into the world's largest caber.
It was sent to President Bush, the world's biggest tosser.

The Bathtub Test

2008-03-01T09:56:00.000-08:00

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, â€˜How Do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.'

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
Teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to Empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the
Bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
Want a bed near the window?'

ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE ?

Out of the mouths of babes... (continued)

2008-02-21T14:39:00.000-08:00

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible le for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human ,it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked,

"Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out,

"And there's the teacher, she's dead."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run in to it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes,"the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted,

"Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE . God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note,

"Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Drugs for women

2008-02-16T15:48:00.000-08:00

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!

ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. "

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.

Ornithology

2008-02-14T06:37:00.000-08:00

There are two seabirds which look alike.

The cormorant

and the shag

How can you tell them apart? Well, the shag has feathers on his head like a crown and is smaller.

The other thing is, would you take someone out for a meal and a film, then to take them home for a good cormorant?

Ponderisms

2008-02-10T11:00:00.000-08:00

Ponderisms

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Losing a friend

2008-02-10T05:13:00.000-08:00

UK reposesses the USA

2008-02-09T14:03:00.000-08:00

Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.
A Message from John Cleese
To: The citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas which she does not fancy). Our new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You willbe amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' withoutskipping half the letters and the suffix -ize will be replaced by thesuffix -ise.Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptablelevels. (Look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noisessuch as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient formof communication.There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know onyour behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to takeaccount of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. Youwill relearn your original national anthem, God Save the Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough tosort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. Holden Monaros are also approved.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have beencalling gasoline)-roughly $11/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut,fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings anda Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch ofnancies).Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, likethey regularly thrash us.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable tohost an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of allmonies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, nevermugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries inseason.

God Save the Queen.
Only He can.

Hate your job?

2008-02-08T03:22:00.000-08:00

When you have a 'I Hate My Job' day.....

Try this:

Onyour way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to thethermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson& Johnson

Be very sure you get this brand. When you gethome, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone soyou will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothingand sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove thethermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that itwill not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized. '

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,
"I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson."

Cinderella

2008-02-08T03:20:00.000-08:00

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

Aftera fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon herrocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with acat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?

Thefairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary lifesince I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart stillyearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said,
"Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The fairy godmother replied,
"It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
"I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

Atonce, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
"You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderellalooks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish foryou to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically,Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biologicalmake-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful thelikes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said,
"Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments,

Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

"Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off"

Fruit

2008-02-08T03:19:00.000-08:00

How true it is!

In the middle of the table is a round food tray

with five kinds of fruits on it.

They are:

a. Apple
b. Banana
c. Strawberry
d. Peach
e. Orange

Which fruit will you choose? Please think VERY carefully and don't
rush into it. This is great, I was astounded! Your choice reveals a
lot about you!

Test results: Please SCROLL DOW N

If you have chosen:

  a. Apple:           That means you are a person who likes to eat apples
b. Banana:       That means you are a person who likes to eat bananas
c. Strawberry: That means you are a person who likes to eat strawberries
d. Peach:          That means you are a person who likes to eat peaches
e. Orange:        That means you are a person who likes to eat oranges

I hope you find fulfillment in this new insight about yourself. May it bring you peace and understanding, tranquility and all that other profound stuff.

Also, I'll bet that right now you would like to find me

and wring my neck. :-)

Well, You won't find me ! ....because I am still hunting down the

person who sent this to me.............

Waste someone's time...forward to a friend! At least smile, you know you want to laugh.

Note

2008-02-07T16:06:00.000-08:00

I am aware of Jeannette's shared joke journal "Make 'em laugh!", which I enjoy immensely.

Just to make plain that I do NOT copy stuff out of there - all the jokes in here were sent to me personally in various email relays.

I may copy some of the jokes in this journal into Jeannette's journal.

The bloom of our nation

2008-02-07T16:01:00.000-08:00

The following questions and answers were collected from last year's GCSE
exam results in Swindon, Wiltshire. They are genuine responses (from 16 year
olds)!

   Geography

   Q: Name the four seasons.
   A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

   Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to
             drink.
   A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
         pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

   Q: How is dew formed?
   A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

   Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
   A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water
        tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and
        Nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

      Sociology

   Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
   A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

   Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
   A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

   Q: What are steroids?
   A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology

   Q: What happens to your body as you age?
   A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

   Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
   A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

   Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
   A: Premature death.

   Q: What is artificial insemination?
   A: When the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

   Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
   A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]

   Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g.
            abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax
       the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the
       heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I,
       O and U.

   Q: What is the Fibula?
   A: A small lie.

   Q: What does "varicose"mean?
   A: Nearby.

   Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
   A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

   Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
   A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

   Q: What is a seizure?
   A: A Roman emperor.

   Q: What is a terminal illness?
   A: When you are sick at the airport

   Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
   A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like

         umbrellas.

   English

   Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its

        meaning.
   A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

   Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
   A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

   Technology

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab or Sheik wears on head

Two tiny tits

2008-02-07T16:00:00.000-08:00

A very flat chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size.

She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAA-AAA-AAA bra?"

The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so Twiggy left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner.

After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart. Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?"

The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"

Think and thingy

2008-02-07T15:59:00.000-08:00

As an inspirational measure, a boss placed a sign in the restroom directly above the sink. It had a single word on it, "THINK!"

The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at his sign, and right next to it, above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign, which read, "THOAP!"
====================================================

A woman comes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist, "Can you tell me about Viagra?"

The druggist says, "What would you like to know?"

"What does it do?" she asks.

"Well, when I take it, it enhances my libido and prolongs my erection."

The woman says, "Can you get it over the counter?"

"Yes," says the druggist, "but I'll have to take another pill."

Golfing Nuns

2008-02-07T15:58:00.000-08:00

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. "What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ." "I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?" "Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!" "Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!" "No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!" "Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!"sympathized Mother. "But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile. "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... "You missed the fu**ing putt, didn't you?"

Call centre

2008-02-07T15:57:00.000-08:00

Actual call centre conversations !!!!!

Customer: "I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?"
Operator: " Doesn't the product name give you a clue?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France):
"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiffplease".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man makingheavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
" Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like itwas when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too f---ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!"

Office equipment

2008-01-28T08:49:00.000-08:00

with thanks to Sue

Computers

2008-01-25T15:43:00.000-08:00

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.

Wax

2008-01-25T13:44:00.000-08:00

Waxing
Please don't forget - this is being told by a WOMAN, not me, ok??

This has to be one of the funniest and most God-awful scenarios I have ever heard of... Bless this woman!!!

All hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises ofeasy, painless removal. The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now....The Wax!!

My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home; fixdinner; played with the kids. I then had the thought that would ringpainfully in my mind for the next few hours; "Maybe I should pull thewax out of the medicine cabinet?"

So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom. It was one ofthose cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub thestrips together in your hand and then they get warm and you peel themapart, press it to your leg (or wherever else) and hair comes rightoff!No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm no girly, girl,but I am mechanically inclined enough that I can figure it out. *YATHINK!!!*

So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing eachother, stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out thehair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax my rear end (Oh, howthis phrase haunts me!). I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skinaround it tight and pull.

OK... So it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I cando this!!! Hair removal no longer eludes me!! I am She-Ra, fighter ofall wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire!!With my next wax strip, I move "north". After checking on the kids,I sneak back into the bathroom for the ultimate hair fightingchampionship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Usingthe same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of thebikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching downto the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip). I inhaledeeply and brace myself.... RRRRIIIIIIPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!

I'm Blind!!!!! Blinded from pain!!!!!!... OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off halfof the strip. S**T!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP... Everything isswirly and spotted. Do I hear crashing drums????? OK, back to normal. Iwant to see my trophy - A wax covered strip with my hairy pelt that hascaused me so much pain, sticking to it. I want to revel in the glorythat is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hairon it!Where is the hair??

WHERE IS THE WAX? Slowly I ease my head down,foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair... The hair thatshould be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. S**T!!! I run myfingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now coveredin cold wax and matted hair.Then I make the next BIG mistake . . . . . . . Remember, my foot isstill propped up on the toilet. I know I need to do something, so I putmy foot down.

DAMN!!! I hear the slamming of the cell door.Vagina? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!!! I penguin walk aroundthe bathroom, trying to figure out what to do and think to myself,"Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off."Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I canstand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax covered bits and thewax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??

*WRONG!!!!*

I get in the tub - The water is slightly hotter than that used totorture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now,the only thing worse that having your nether businesses glued togetheris having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub.In scalding hot water!! Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So,now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub!!!

God bless the man whatconvinced me I should have a phone in the bathroom!!! I call my friend,thinking surely she's waxed before and has some secret of how to get meundone. It's a very good conversation starter, "So my butt and who-haare stuck to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. Shedoesn't have a secret trick, but does try to hide the laughter from me.She wants to know exactly where the wax is located on bottom, "Are wetalking cheeks or hole or what?"She's laughing out loud by now... I can hear her. I give her therundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!! Right!!!!!! I would be the joke of someone else's night. Whilewe go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off witha razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies coveredin hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water, and thendry shaving the sticky wax off!!!By now, the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hikeand I slip into glazed donut land.My friend is still talking with meas my hand reaches towards the saving grace... The lotion they give youto remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point.I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids,scared the dickens out of my friend, but I really don't care!!"IT WORKS!! IT WORKS!!"

I get a hearty congratulation from myfriend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the waxand then notice, to my grief and despair... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE...ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!So, I shaved it off. Heck, I'm numb at this point. Next week I'm going to try hair color . . . . . .

Gentle thoughts for today

2008-01-25T04:54:00.000-08:00

with thanks to Dawn [adlessor]

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth...AMEN..!!

Gynaecologist's assitant

2008-01-20T09:28:00.000-08:00

A young man goes into the Job Center in Inverness, Scotland, and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested he goes to learn more -

"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the guy behind the desk. The Job Center man sorts through his files and replies:

- "Oh yes here it is: The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their genital regions. You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to London.
That's about 600 miles from here."

"Oh why? Is that where the job is at?"
"No sir - that's where the end of the line is!"

More blonde jokes

2008-01-04T14:52:00.000-08:00

BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, 'What's the story?' He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor' She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?' The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. 'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.' The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?     'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'     'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!     Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'     'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'     The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'     The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'     The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.     To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, wh o had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.     Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'     'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'

Good housekeeping - 1955

2007-12-23T07:10:00.000-08:00

I'mgoing to cause a huge ruckus with this entry. I do want to make it clear that Ido not agree with the recommendations in this piece, which I copied from theHousekeeping Monthly of 13 May 1955. Read it? Nineteen fifty-five.

1 Have dinner ready. Planahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for hisreturn. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about himand are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home andthe prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warmwelcome needed.

2 Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when hearrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking.He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

3 Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day mayneed a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

4 Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the housejust before your husband arrives.

5 Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper etc and then run a dustcloth over thetables.

6 Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire forhim to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest andorder, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfortwill provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

7 Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands andfaces (if they are small), comb their hair and if necessary change theirclothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing thepart. Minimise all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise ofthe washer, dryer and vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.

8 Be happy to see him.

9 Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

10 Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but themoment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, thistopics of conversation are more important than yours.

11 Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late, goes out todinner or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understandhis world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home andrelax.

12 Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order andtranquillity where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

13 Don't greet him with complaints and problems.

14 Don't complain if he's home late for dinner or even if he stays out allnight. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through thatday.

15 Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have himlie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

16 Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low,soothing, and pleasant voice.

17 Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment orintegrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will alwaysexercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to questionhim.

18 A good wife always knows her place.

Blonde's Cookbook

2007-12-23T07:08:00.000-08:00

Monday:

It'sfun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggsseparately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Tuesday:

Tomwanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So, Ididn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.

Wednesday:

Agood day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. Itseemed kind of silly, but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved therice any.

Thursday:

TodayTom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepareingredients, lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked mewhy I was rolling around in the garden.

Friday:

Ifound an easy recipe for cookies. It said, put the ingredients in a bowland beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When Igot back, everything was the same as when I left.

Saturday:

Tomdid the shopping today and broughthome a chicken. He asked me to dress it forSunday. For some reason, Tom keeps counting to ten.

Sunday:

Tom'sfolks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all I had washamburger. Suddenly, I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the ovenand set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much
to my disappointment.

Well,good night, dear diary. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager fortomorrow to come, so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tominto buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with chocolate moose.

For Lexophiles

2007-12-23T07:07:00.000-08:00

1.A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's yourCount that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flatminer.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted inLinoleum Blownapart.

13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LANdown under.

15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

16. A calendar's days are numbered.

17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium atlarge.

22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

29. Marathon runners with badshoes suffer the agony of de feet.

Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a largenumber of electrons were terribly inconvenienced

The Ten Commandments

2007-12-23T07:06:00.000-08:00

God went to the Arabs and said, "I haveCommandments for you that will make your lives better."
The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shall not kill."
"Not kill? We' re not interested."

God went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honor thy Father andMother."
"Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested."

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said "Thou shall notsteal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."

Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shall not commitadultery."
"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments?" they said, "How much are they?"
"They're free."
"We'll take 10."

There, that ought to offend just about everybody.

Windows 98

2007-12-22T16:19:00.000-08:00

Microsoft have announced that allsupport will be withdrawn from its aging operating system Windows 98.As from 11 July 2007, no further updates, patches etcetera will beprovided, leaving users vulnerable to hacking attempts etcetera.Everybody that is still on Windows 98 and its siblingsWindows 98SE and ME is advised to upgrade to Windows XP.

Oh dear, I'm sorry,I really couldn't resist these.

Error message

2007-12-22T16:17:00.000-08:00

I found this absolutelyhilarious error messagegenerator on the Net. The monkeybusiness you can do with that...

Two nuns

2007-12-16T15:02:00.000-08:00

TWO NUNS
There were two nuns... One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical . Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM : And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, I'll pray foryou!

Embarrassing moments

2007-12-16T10:58:00.000-08:00

In her memoirs, Barbara Bush described one of those most embarrassing moments that inevitably occur, even on the most carefully advanced of foreign trips. Along with her husband, then the Vice President, Mrs. Bush was lunching with Emperor Hirohito at Tokyo's Imperial Palace.

Sitting next to the Emperor, Mrs. Bush found the conversation an uphill task. To all her efforts at verbal engagement, the Emperor would smile and say "Yes" or "No," with an occasional "Thank You" tossed in for good measure.

Looking around her elegant surroundings, she complimented Hirohito on his official residence.

"Thank you," he said.

"Is it new?" pressed Mrs. Bush.

"Yes."

"Was the old palace just so old that it was falling down?" asked Mrs. Bush.

In his most charming, yet regal, matter, Hirohito replied, "No, I'm afraid that you bombed it."

Church bulletins

2007-12-14T15:28:00.000-08:00

BerthaBelch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hearBertha Belch all the way from Africa.

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTINGConference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conferenceincludes meals."

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" givingobvious pleasure to the congregation.

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of thosethings not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your ownhot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to aconflict.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water" The sermontonight: "Searching for Jesus"

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help theycan get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions.She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack'ssermons.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing"Break Forth into Joy."

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone whodoesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off --let the Church help.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter weremarried on October 24 in the church. Soends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music willfollow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What isHell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several newmembers and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning tojoin the choir.

Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for thegirth of their first child.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled.Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 pm. Steak, mashed potatoes,green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nurserydownstairs.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s)you want remembered.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, andgracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 pm.--prayer and medication tofollow.

Job descriptions

2007-12-14T15:26:00.000-08:00

Wouldyou know what you'd have to do if you applied for these jobs? No? Click behindthe hyphen after the description and drag the mouse to the next hyphen toreveal the answer.

Vision clearance engineer - window cleaner               -
Education centre nourishment production assistant - dinnerlady-
Waste removal engineer - binman                              -
Domestic engineer - housewife                                  -
Knowledge navigator - teacher                                  -
Flueologist - chimneysweep                                      -
Stock replenishment adviser - shelfstacker                -
Head of verbal communications - secretary /receptionist -
Petroleum transfer engineer - petrol stationassistant    -
Foot health gain facilitator - chiropodist                     -
Coin facilitation engineer - toll boothcollector            -
Cash relation officer - banker       -
Environment improvement technician - cleaner       -
Revenue protection officer - ticket inspector    -
Technical horticultural maintenance officer - gardener -
Wastewater treatment officer - sewageworker           -
Crockery cleansing operative - washer-up                 -
Space consultant - estate agent                                  -
Media distribution officer - paperboy                         -
Dispatch services facilitator - postroomworker          -

Truisms for pun

2007-12-14T15:25:00.000-08:00

Iwondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting arest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all rightnow.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardenedcriminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged withstalking.
We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shakyground
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your count thatvotes.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted inLinoleum Blownapart.
You are stuck with your debt, if you can't budge it.
He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
A calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.

What to do to telemarketers

2007-12-14T15:24:00.000-08:00

1.If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and youcould sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm soglad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all theseproblems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died .. . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name.Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, howlong it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got intothis line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continueasking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long asnecessary.

4. (This works great if you are male) Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judyand I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real huskyvoice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have youbeen?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as shetries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, andkeep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun ifyou can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan,reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, wouldyou be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can youget out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you.When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your creditcard number to a complete stranger.

10. If the Telemarketer is selling raffle tickets, tell him or her that youwork for the same company, and that employees cannot participate.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set thereceiver down, scream, "OH MY GOD!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask if he/she willgive you their home phone number so you can call him/her back. When theTelemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numberssay, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?"The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" and proceed tohang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them onyour speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your foodloudly and continue with your dinner conversation. For added effect, clangingof cutlery and dishes is recommended.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask ifthey could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I shouldprobably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke."Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up...louder... louder!

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

They walk among us

2007-12-14T15:23:00.000-08:00

Iwas at the checkout of a Kmart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. Igave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I  gave itback to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave herthe money back. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knewwhat she was doing and returned the money again. I gave her the money backagain... same senario! I departed the store with the$46.64.

I walked into a Mickey D 's with a buy-one-get- one-free coupon For a sandwich.I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little Chalkboard that said"buy one-get one free." "They're already buy-one-get-one-free" , she said, "so I guess they're both free" Shehanded me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one Of themshouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the Skyand said, "Where?"

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agentwhich direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sunwaking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in thenorth?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and hasfor sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with thatstuff."

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I gota call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open.I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days aweek." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wantingto end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a Seatbelt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the caseswere discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. Thecashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lostluggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. Shesmiled and told me not to worry because she was a Trained professional andI was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, has your plane arrivedyet?"

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go.He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Justcut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

Life in the Hebrides

2007-12-14T15:19:00.000-08:00

Dogger, Fisher, German Bight
Once again the weather's s****
Howling wind, cold rain and hail
Calmac's boats will never sail
Today

Lundy, Fastnet, Irish Sea
Looks about Force Ten to me
The bin's away; blown down the croft
It's ragged contents swirl aloft
Again

Rockall, Malin, Hebrides
I'm fed up with days like these
It's still dark at half past ten
When will we see the sun again?
Ever?

Fair Isle, Faroes, South East Iceland
Sorry kids, the veg is still canned
I'm cooking tea by naked flame
Oh Lord, don't send us more the same
Tomorrow

More gems of wisdom

2007-12-14T15:18:00.000-08:00

If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the Poorcould make a wonderful living. ~~~ Yiddish Proverb

The wise man, even when he holds his tongue, says more than thefool when he speaks. ~~~ Yiddish Proverb

Ask about your neighbors, then buy the house. ~~~ Yiddish proverb

What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth.~~~ Yiddish proverb

A hero is someone who can keep his mouth shut when he isright. ~~~ Yiddish Proverb

One old friend is better than two new ones. ~~~ Yiddish Proverb

One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't goodenough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild inthe world. ~~~ Jewish Proverb

Old friends, like old wines, don't lose their flavor. ~~~Jewish Proverb

A wise man hears one word and understands two. ~~~ Yiddish Proverb

"Don't be so humble - you are not that great." ~~~ GoldaMeir (1898-1978) to a visiting diplomat

Pessimism is a luxury that a Jew can never allow himself. ~~~Golda Meir

Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keepmoving ~~~ Albert Einstein

When his wife asked him to change clothes to meet the GermanAmbassador: "If they want to see me, here I am. If they wantto see my clothes, open my closet and show them my suits." ~~~Albert Einstein

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them. ~~~Albert Einstein

The hardest thing in the world to understand is income tax. ~~~Albert Einstein

You can't control the wind, but you can adjust your sails. ~~~Yiddish proverb

I don't want to become immortal through my work. I want to becomeimmortal through not dying. ~~~ Woody Allen

I'm not afraid of dying ~~~ I just don't want to be there when ithappens! ~~~ Woody Allen

Imagination is more important than knowledge. (Signhanging in Einstein's office at Princeton)

Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything thatcan be counted counts. ~~~ Albert Einstein

We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we usedwhen we created them. ~~~ Albert Einstein

Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything helearned in school. ~~~ Albert Einstein

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'mnot sure about the universe. ~~~ Albert Einstein

Observations on life (II)

2007-12-14T15:17:00.000-08:00

*************************

Love is grand ! Divorce is ahundred grand.

*************************

I am in shape.

Round is a shape.

*************************

Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousybeautician.

***************************

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feelsgood.

***************************

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

***************************

Even if you are on the right track,

You'll get run over if you just sit there.

***************************

An optimist thinks this is the best possible world.

A pessimist fears this is true.

**************************

There will always be death and taxes;

However, death doesn't get worse every year.

***************************

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

***************************

I am a nutritional overachiever.

***************************

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

***************************

Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.

***************************

A day without sunshine is like night.

***************************

It's frustrating when you know all the answers,

But nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

***************************

The real art of conversation is not only to say theright thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid thewrong thing at the tempting moment

***************************

Brain cells come and brain cells go,

But fat cells live forever.

***************************

Age doesn't always bring wisdom.

Sometimes it comes alone.

***************************

Life not only begins at forty,

It also begins to show.

**************************

I smile because I am your friend!

I laugh because there is nothing you can do about it.

Observations on life

2007-12-14T15:16:00.000-08:00

1. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was my blood alcoholcontent.

2. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing ectionin a swimming pool?

3. I live in my own little world, but it's OK, they know me here.

4. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'GUESS' on it. I said, "Thyroidproblem?"

5. When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes forChristmas!

6. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standingup really fast."

7. Sign In Oriental Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

8. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

9. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won'teither.

10. I have learned there is little difference in husbands, you might as wellkeep the first.

11. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.

12. Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in sevendifferent languages.

13. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.

14. After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

15. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

16. I married my wife for her looks. But not the ones she's been giving melately!

17. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I'vestayed alive.

18. Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one bustedcondom?

19. No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

20. I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: "CHECKOUT TIME IS18."

21. How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?

22. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lotterytickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

23. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

24. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

25. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

26. I mixed Rogaine with Viagra. Now I've got hair like Don King.

27. I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal pointinvolved.

28. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

29. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:"Don't pick that up. You don't know where it's been ."

Lawyers

2007-12-13T10:35:00.000-08:00

Lawyers should never ask aSouthern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial,a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, agrandmotherly, elderly woman to the
stand. He approached her andasked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why,yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy,and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on yourwife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. Youthink you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never willamount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Notknowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why,yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy,bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationshipwith anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Notto mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was yourwife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almostdied.

The judge asked bothcounselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "Ifeither of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electricchair."

Cars vs Computers

2007-12-13T10:33:00.000-08:00

BillGates, speaking at the COMDEX computer expo in 2006, reportedly compared thecomputer industry with the car industry and said: "If GM had kept up withtechnology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25,000 carsthat got 1,000 miles to the gallon".

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release, stating:

If GM had developed technology just like Microsoft has, we would all be drivingcars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reasons whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a newcar

3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You wouldhave to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off thecar, restart it and reopen the windows before you could continue. For somereason, you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your toshut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall theengine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five timesas fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run only on five percent of theroads

6. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would all bereplaced by a simple warning light: "This Car has performed an illegaloperation".

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out andrefuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turnedthe key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna

9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how todrive all over again, because none of the controls would operate in the samemanner as the old car

10. You'd have to press Start to turn the engine off.

Marital exchange

2007-12-13T10:31:00.001-08:00

SUBJECT: Update!
DATE: 9/9/99
FROM: hubby@office.com
TO: wife@homefront.com
Dear Wife....I'm sending you this email to bring up to date on theevents of our family. I tried to talk to you while you were on yourcomputer, but you just kept telling me that you would BRB.....whatever thatmeans. So, I decided to send you this email. John Jr. cut his first toothtoday. He's the one you bounce on your knee while typing. Rememberhow he giggles when he hears the Ut Oh sound? Sorry about himdropping his peanut butter sandwich on your keyboard. Is it working okaysince I cleaned it up for you? Can you read the letters I tried to paint backon your keyboard? Most of them had been rubbed off. Susie had her first dateSaturday night. She had a good time and said to thank you for lettingthem use your car. She put the keys back on the key rack underneath the cobwebswhere she found them. Do you realize that she wears the same size clothesas you do? In case you've forgotten her, she's the one who has you raiseyour feet when she's running the sweeper. Tim is playing football. Helooks forward to going to school now that he has a sport to play. Hewanted to know if you would come to one of his games if we bought you a laptopto bring along? Do you remember him? He's the one who empties yourporta potty for you. Lets see.....since the last time I wrote you (3 months ago),the refrigerator had to be replaced, the dog died from old age, yourmother and dad painted the room where your computer is (hope you like thecolor), the church has a new pastor, the President has been impeached, and ohyes..... I have a new job. Well, I think that's about it. I'll email youagain in about 3 months. You take care of yourself honey. We all"miss" you very much and will see you the next time the power goesoff! Love,
Your Husband

SUBJECT: Monthly Report
DATE: 10/13/98
FROM: wife@library.com
TO: hubby@home_alone.com
Dear Hubby, Honey, we need to talk! "DON'T" clickanother URL until you've read this.......please. Since you're always busy, I'musing the computer at the library to send you this email. It's beenmonths since you've spent anytime with the family. Actually, we are allgetting a little worried about you. Your legs won't straighten out andyour eyes are blood red now. I really think you should stop sleeping inthat chair even though we did have it made into a recliner with a keyboard trayand extra padding. Remember when I wanted your attention and put too muchViagra in your coffee.......well.... surprise.... we're having twins. Have you recovered from that exhausting few days yet? I haven't .....andwill "NEVER" do that again no matter how lonely I get! Oh yes.....thedoctor said the catheter has to come out hun. You can't leave it in thereany longer. You'll have to stop and go to the bathroom or start usingyour urinal again. Sorry! And.......the leak wasn't thewaterbed.....we don't have a waterbed! The kids are all fine. I loadedtheir school pictures on your web site so you can see how much they havegrown. Click on the button that says "Surprise, we've grownup". Jack said he'd trim your beard for you next week. Susiefelt so bad when she upset your lunch on the keyboard. Bless her heart,she's like your mother....she's a few fries short of a complete Happy Meal butshe tries. I hope everything is working okay now. Oh yes, you don't needto worry about the mouse I wanted you to kill. I got him with one of yourgolf clubs. The club is a little bent now.....hope that doesn't hurtit. It's kind of like a kinked slinky. I'll write again once the twinsare born. Ed, our insurance salesman, is taking me and the kids on a tripso take care. We'll be back in a couple of weeks. Remember not toput both contact lenses in the same eye! Love,
Your Wife

Peanuts

2007-12-13T10:31:00.000-08:00

Atourbus driver is taking a load of seniors on a tour when he is tapped on hisshoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which hergratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulderagain and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gestureabout 5 more times. When she is about to hand him another batch, he asks thelittle old lady: why don't you eat the peanuts yourselves?
"We can't chew them, because we've got no teeth", she replies.
The puzzled driver asks "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied; "We just love the chocolate around them."

Twisted proverbs

2007-12-13T10:30:00.000-08:00

A4th grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in theclass the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest.Here is what they came up with:

Better to be safe than punch a 5th grader

Strike while the bug is close.

It's always darkest before daylight savings time

Never underestimate the power of termites.

You can lead a horse to water but how?

Don't bite the hand that looks dirty.

No news is impossible.

A miss is as good as a Mr.

You can't teach an old dog math.

If you lie down with dogs, you will stink in the morning.

The pen is mightier than the pigs

Where there is smoke, there's pollution.

A penny saved is not much.

Two is company, three's The Musketeers.

None are so blind as Helen Keller.

If at first you don't succeed get new batteries.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and you have to blow your nose

Rindercella

2007-12-13T10:28:00.000-08:00

Readaloud this as quickly as possible - but not within earshot of sensitive ears.It is full of spoonerisms. Any mistakes are YOUR responsibility

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella workedvery hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.

At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and theother was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;they hadfetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball,but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her namewas Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkinand six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who hadbuge hollocks and dig bicks

The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, therewould be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly theclock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella,and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and thesugly isters let him in Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off afig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince."Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When thestinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the suglyisters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack inthe kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bardon.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived hislife in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny

Wisdom of a sort

2007-12-13T10:26:00.001-08:00

1.Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I maynot follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hellalone [don't necessarily agree with that myself LOL].

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leakytire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor'snewspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of carpayments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. Thatway, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and hewill sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probablyworth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

13. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

14. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and, itholds the universe together.

15. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

16. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

17. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

18. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on thesame night.

Anagrams

2007-12-13T10:26:00.000-08:00

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THEEYES: !
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGEBUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THEMORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOTMACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:

Whenyou rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:

Whenyou rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:

Whenyou rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:

Whenyou rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

The bloom of our nation

2007-12-13T10:25:00.000-08:00

Thefollowing questions and answers were collected from last year's GCSE examresults in Swindon, Wiltshire. They aregenuine responses (from 16 year olds)!

Geography
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe todrink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant likegrit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends toflow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and Nature abhorsa vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Sociology

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are wellendowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets anelection.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you getintercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to hisadultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g. abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax theabdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heartand lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O andU.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look likeumbrellas.

English
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand itsmeaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Technology
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab or Sheik wears on head

Hang on

2007-12-12T16:27:00.000-08:00

Convicted of murder andsentenced to death the shapely young lady asked, as a last request, that she behanged in the nude. Although the warden thought this unusual, he felt a lastrequest was not something to be denied.

When the condemned prisonerarrived at the gallows, the hangman gasped, My God, you have the most beautifulbody I've ever seen.

Came the whispered reply, Andit's all yours if you keep your trap shut!

Last year on the computer

2007-12-12T16:26:00.000-08:00

SUMMARY OF THIS PAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue onenvelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needssealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) whois about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me forparticipating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out forme, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freakswith no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a waterbuffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward anemail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can removetoilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so aserial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these productsare atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwaveanymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked witha needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfumesample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually AlQaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number forwhich I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer have any trainers --but that will change once I receive my freereplacement pair from Nike

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have theirrecipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown Africanspider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites myarse.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up £5.00 I dropped in theparking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molesterwaiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I'm reluctant to open my email box for fear that person in Africa is still looking for me togive me the inheritance from my non-existant dead relatives in Africa.

Oh, and I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gascompanies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actuallyhappened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's secondhusband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

PS- A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study,has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mailwith their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!

A bit risqué

2007-12-12T16:25:00.000-08:00

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced womanwalks into Tesco with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them allthe way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome toTesco, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl:

"Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine andthe youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do youreally think they look alike, you dickhead?"

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "Ijust can't believe anyone would sh*g you twice!"

WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?

2007-12-12T16:24:00.000-08:00

1.WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lackedintellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhapsit's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland CA spent two hours attemptingto subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing tentear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside themin the police line shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up!"

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending tohave a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two differentautomated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw moneyfrom his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka KS Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cashdrawer. Apparently the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk andworked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbedhim.

5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with arobbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. Whendetectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me allyour money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what Isaid!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING???
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant, and hercontractions are only two minutes apart." "Is this her firstchild?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted,"This is her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!
In Modesto CA, Steven Richard Kingwas arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon.King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun.
Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (Hellooooooo!)

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!!
Last summer down on Lake Isabella, located in the highdesert an hour east of Bakersfield CA, some folks new toboating were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't gettheir brand new 22 foot boat going. It was very sluggish in almost everymaneuver no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of tryingto make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may beable to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealedeverything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drivewent up and down, and
the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So one of the marina guys jumpedin the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughingso hard.

(NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.)
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place ... was the trailer!

Sarcasm

2007-12-12T16:23:00.000-08:00

Idialed a number and got the following recording:
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the Beep.
If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."
~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~
My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering
And take without forgetting.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time
You're old enough to know your way
Around, you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think
Of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn
Of a new error.

From the mouths of babes...

2007-12-12T16:22:00.001-08:00

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a womanin the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As Iwas reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat,"Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from hismother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are notnecessarily those of his parents."

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her strugglethe phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone."Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting thebottle."

4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room.When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towelsand running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked,"What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I wasinterrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at myuniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" Yes," I answered andcontinued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help Ishould ask the police. Is that right? "Yes, that's right," I toldher. "Well, then,"she said as she extended her foot toward me,"would you please tie my shoe?"

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station.As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw alittle boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" heasked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me andthen towards the back of the van. Finally he said," What'd he do?"

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, Iused to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailinglyintrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkersand wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soakingin a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, shemerely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believethis!"

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her daddonning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear thatsuit."
"And why not, darling?"
"You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning. "

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard theintoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that properburial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting,then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorousdignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:"Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole hegooooes."

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm justwasting my time," she said to her mother . "I can't read, I can'twrite and they won't let me talk!"

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingeredthrough the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked upthe object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressedin between the pages "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out."What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy'svoice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

Baby boomers

2007-12-12T16:22:00.000-08:00

Baby Boomer Blues

It was fun being a baby boomer... until now. Some of the artists of the 60'sare revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.

They include:

Herman's Hermits--- Mrs.. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.

Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.

The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.

Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.

Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now.

Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.

Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.

Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

Abba--- Denture Queen.

Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.

And: Willie Nelson--- On the Commode Again

Don't blame me, I only relay. LMAO

Old

2007-12-12T16:21:00.000-08:00

"OLD" IS WHEN .... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairsand make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't doboth!"

"OLD " IS WHEN ... Your friends compliment you on your newalligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN .... A sexy babe catches your fancy and yourpacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN .... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out ofyour face.

"OLD" IS WHEN .... You don't care where your spouse goes,just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN .... You are cautioned to slow down by thedoctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN .."Getting a little action" meansyou don't need to take any fiber today

"OLD" IS WHEN .... "Getting lucky" means you findyour car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN .... An "all nighter" means notgetting up to use the bathroom.
AND

"OLD" IS WHEN .... You are not sure these are jokes

How did you break your arm?

2007-12-12T16:20:00.000-08:00

SO, HOW DID YOU BREAK YOUR ARM?

Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciatethe humor of the slopes as written by a New Orleans paper. A friend just got back from a holiday skiing trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody'sheart.

Conditions were perfect... 12 below, no feeling in thetoes, basic numbness all over... the "Tell me when we're having fun"kind of day.

One of the women in the group complained to her husbandthat she was in dire need of a rest room. He told her not to worry that he wassure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powderroom for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain didnot go away. If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then youknow that a temperature of 12 below doesn't help matters.

With time running out, the woman weighed her options.

Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain,suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go offin the woods and no one would even notice.

He assured her, "The white will provide more thanadequate camouflage."

So she headed for the tree line, began lowering her skipants and proceeded to do her thing.

If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then youknow there is a right way and wrong way to set your skis so you don't move.

Yup, you got it!!!

She had them positioned the wrong way.. Steep slopes arenot forgiving... even during the most embarrassing moments.

Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward,out-of-control, racing through the trees...somehow missing all of them and ontoanother slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pantsdown around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while.

She continued backwards, totally out-of-control, creatingan unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied back under the lift andfinally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke herarm and was unable to pull up her ski pants.

At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to hernudie show, then summoned the ski patrol. They transported her to a hospital.

While in the emergency room, a man with an obviouslybroken leg was put in the bed next to hers. "So, how'd you break yourleg?" she asked, making small talk.

"It was the stupidest thing you ever saw," hesaid.

"I was riding up this ski lift and suddenly, Icouldn't believe my eyes! There was this crazy woman skiing backward, out-of-control,down the mountain, with her bare bottom hanging out of her pants. I leaned overto get a better look and fell out of the lift." ...... "So, how'd youbreak your arm?"

Medical chart notes

2007-12-12T16:19:00.000-08:00

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
Healthy-appearing decrepit, 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient refused autopsy.
The patient has no previous history of suicides.
Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.
She is numb from her toes down
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
Skin: somewhat pale but present.
The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

Hygiene

2007-12-12T16:18:00.000-08:00

During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 literof urine.

In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15penises (touching door handles, etc.)

An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.

In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept!

Annually you will shake hands with 2 women who have recently masturbated andfailed to wash their hands.

Annually you will shake hands with 26 men who have recently masturbated andfailed to wash their hands.

In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linenbasket.

At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sorefrom one of the guests.

Daily you will breath in 1 liter of other peoples' anal gases.

HAVE A GREAT DAY...
...and wash your damn hands

Combating nerves

2007-12-12T16:13:00.000-08:00

A new priest was so nervous at his first mass thathe could barely speak. Afterwards, he asked the bishop how he had done. Thebishop replied:
"When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass ofvodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday, he took the bishop's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, hegot nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his returnto his office, he found this note on the door:

Sip the vodka, don't gulp

There are 10 commandments, not 12

There are 12 disciples, not 10

Jesus was consecrated, not constipated

Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass

We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior andthe Spook

David slew Goliath, he did not knock the shit out of him

When David was hit by a rock, and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he wasstoned off his ass

We do not refer to the Cross as the "Big T"

When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said: "Take this and eatit, for it is my body". He did not say "Eat me".

The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry"

The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-a-Dub-Dub thanks for theGrub, Yeah God"

Next Sunday there will be a Taffy pulling contest at St Peter's, not a peterpulling contest at St Taffy's.

Graphical funnies

2007-12-02T10:48:00.000-08:00

Is that what you call being in deep shit?

Exercise sphincter control please

They walk among us, they even lead us

Mirror Image

A question of perspective

Dare to deny it

Again, dare to deny it

The vagaries of language

2007-12-02T10:32:00.000-08:00

What is a boudoir? Well, it is commonly held to be a lady's private quarters. The word is derived from the French bouderwhich means to pout. I have seen a description in an etymologicaldictionary that a boudoir is a room where a lady would go to sulk. So,a boudoir in English is a sulkery?

From the mouths of babes...

2007-12-02T10:29:00.000-08:00

NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar.During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother.Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now.She's hitting the bottle."

MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

POLICE
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP
A little girl! was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.""And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible.He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out."What have you got there, dear?"With astonishment in the young boy's voice! , he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear.

Feline funny

2007-12-02T10:24:00.000-08:00

Our patience is greater than your bladder control